It's been a fairly long time since I had a really good cry and breakdown over losing Jason. It's been a couple months, probably. Since Christmas, I guess. But that streak ended last night. I went out to dinner with some friends and then went to see Valentine's Day (the movie). I knew I was going to cry at the movie...these kinds of movies always make me cry. But, I had no idea that it would make me cry as much as I did.
First thing that happened - while watching the previews...2 of the movies that were previewed are coming out on May 28th... which is the day Jason died. Seeing that date on the big screen almost made my heart stop. I got passed that when the movie started. One of the first scenes... the character's name... JASON! Ugh! Then, a few scenes later, that very same character recites a poem. If you've read my earlier blogs, you know there's one particular poem that means a lot to me. Guess what... IT WAS THAT FREAKIN' POEM! And one final connection... during on particular scene, a little dog ran into the room. It was a french bulldog...the very dog that Jason and I were talking about adopting. Of all the breeds and varieties of dogs...THAT's the one they show in the movie? Really?!
There were just too many coincidences, too many reminders...too much talk about love. On my way home, I completely broke down crying. I cried the entire 30 minute drive, and then even more when I got home. I had to feel him, smell him. I pulled out one of his shirts...and amazingly, even nine months after he died, it still smells like him. I held it tightly, smelling it, for hours. I fell asleep with it in my arms, and woke up with it laying next to me 10 hours later.
I miss him so much it hurts. I miss his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, his sarcasm, his touch, his laugh...I miss everything. I had been doing fine...I had been doing great...and last night, I was slapped in the face by grief...and it HURT!
Until next time --
Stuart
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
First Funeral Since...
I took an unusual day off today - during ratings - to attend a double funeral for my brother's best friends/neighbors. Matt & Erica Rawley died suddenly last weekend from carbon monoxide poisoning while they were out camping. It's such a tragically sad story.
This was also the first funeral I've attended since the funeral/memorial for Jason. I made it almost 9 months between funerals. I had pretty mixed emotions all morning while I was getting ready...wasn't really sure how I would react before, during, and after the service. I knew Matt & Erica pretty well, not as well as Jason obviously, but we'd spent several Thanksgiving and July 4th holidays together. They were practically family.
Walking into the service, my heart started to race. That point when I rounded the corner and saw the room full of people already sitting in the pews...my heart actually leapt into my throat. I was immediately transported back to May 30th - the day of Jason's memorial service...turning the corner and seeing the room packed. Almost lost it then, almost lost it today. We took our seats towards the back, and the service started about 15 minutes later with a song - The Wind Beneath My Wings. Hello tears.
The service was a good mix of sad moments along with joyfully filled bursts of laughter. Matt & Erica were a wonderful couple, very funny...so there was no shortage of hilarious antics and sayings. In all, I'd say the service lasted about an hour which wasn't bad. I cried some, but not as much as I thought I would. I really expected that I would be a basketcase...but luckily that wasn't the case.
I'm not a fan of funerals... who is? But, after Jason's, I never thought I'd want to go to another one. After you've buried the love of your life, why would you ever want to relive that moment? I think I realized today, though, that like grief - every funeral is different...and that is a good thing.
Until next time --
Stuart
This was also the first funeral I've attended since the funeral/memorial for Jason. I made it almost 9 months between funerals. I had pretty mixed emotions all morning while I was getting ready...wasn't really sure how I would react before, during, and after the service. I knew Matt & Erica pretty well, not as well as Jason obviously, but we'd spent several Thanksgiving and July 4th holidays together. They were practically family.
Walking into the service, my heart started to race. That point when I rounded the corner and saw the room full of people already sitting in the pews...my heart actually leapt into my throat. I was immediately transported back to May 30th - the day of Jason's memorial service...turning the corner and seeing the room packed. Almost lost it then, almost lost it today. We took our seats towards the back, and the service started about 15 minutes later with a song - The Wind Beneath My Wings. Hello tears.
The service was a good mix of sad moments along with joyfully filled bursts of laughter. Matt & Erica were a wonderful couple, very funny...so there was no shortage of hilarious antics and sayings. In all, I'd say the service lasted about an hour which wasn't bad. I cried some, but not as much as I thought I would. I really expected that I would be a basketcase...but luckily that wasn't the case.
I'm not a fan of funerals... who is? But, after Jason's, I never thought I'd want to go to another one. After you've buried the love of your life, why would you ever want to relive that moment? I think I realized today, though, that like grief - every funeral is different...and that is a good thing.
Until next time --
Stuart
Friday, February 12, 2010
Winter Wonderland
Dallas Fort Worth has become a winter wonderland! We received 12'' of snow yesterday, making it the snowiest day EVER in the metroplex and breaking 111 year old records! It was absolutely incredible to see it all coming down hour after hour. Luckily, though, the roads stayed pretty safe. There was fear that everything would freeze this morning, but the roads were pretty passable and work continues as normal.
I haven't blogged much in the last couple weeks mainly because there hasn't been much to blog about. My life of late has consisted of work and sleep. I've been completely slammed at work - doing the jobs of 4 different people...ALONE. It hasn't been fun, but I'm getting through, and I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Valentine's Day is this weekend. I've never really been one to celebrate it as a holiday. I've always thought it was a pretty crappy one, in fact. Number one - my grandfather died on Valentines Day back in 1994. So for several years after that, whether I had a significant other or not, I refused to be happy and lovey that day. As I got older, though, the grief from losing my grandfather melted away, but my affinity for V-Day never returned. I just didn't care...and I still don't. To me, it's a meaningless holiday...and has no business being celebrated. But that's just me.
Last year for Valentine's Day, Jason and I went out to dinner at a fabulous restaurant in Dallas. It's called Nick & Sam's. It's one of the premiere steakhouses in town. We had a wonderful evening, and it was one of the first Valentine's Days in recent memory that I actually enjoyed. Of course, I enjoyed most days that I got to spend with him, so why should that time be any different? I think that's why I'm anti-V-Day this year...for obvious reasons. I just want it to be another day. I don't want to get any presents. I'm not going to give any presents. I don't want to get any sappy Valentine's Day cards, and I'm certainly not going to give any. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people whom I love. I just don't feel like I should be required to say it, show it, and flaunt it if I don't want to.
Call me bitter. I probably am to some extent. But, so what? As my friend Amy says... GOI. That stands for "GET OVER IT!"
Until next time --
Stuart
I haven't blogged much in the last couple weeks mainly because there hasn't been much to blog about. My life of late has consisted of work and sleep. I've been completely slammed at work - doing the jobs of 4 different people...ALONE. It hasn't been fun, but I'm getting through, and I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Valentine's Day is this weekend. I've never really been one to celebrate it as a holiday. I've always thought it was a pretty crappy one, in fact. Number one - my grandfather died on Valentines Day back in 1994. So for several years after that, whether I had a significant other or not, I refused to be happy and lovey that day. As I got older, though, the grief from losing my grandfather melted away, but my affinity for V-Day never returned. I just didn't care...and I still don't. To me, it's a meaningless holiday...and has no business being celebrated. But that's just me.
Last year for Valentine's Day, Jason and I went out to dinner at a fabulous restaurant in Dallas. It's called Nick & Sam's. It's one of the premiere steakhouses in town. We had a wonderful evening, and it was one of the first Valentine's Days in recent memory that I actually enjoyed. Of course, I enjoyed most days that I got to spend with him, so why should that time be any different? I think that's why I'm anti-V-Day this year...for obvious reasons. I just want it to be another day. I don't want to get any presents. I'm not going to give any presents. I don't want to get any sappy Valentine's Day cards, and I'm certainly not going to give any. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people whom I love. I just don't feel like I should be required to say it, show it, and flaunt it if I don't want to.
Call me bitter. I probably am to some extent. But, so what? As my friend Amy says... GOI. That stands for "GET OVER IT!"
Until next time --
Stuart
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Fortune Or A Future?
In my last entry, I discussed the crossroad where I now stand in my job, overall career, and life. I know which way I'm leaning, but I still haven't completely made up my mind. This is probably one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make.
A few weeks ago, I started meditating. It was suggested during my reading with the medium a few months ago that I begin meditating, and I finally decided to give it a try. One of the things I've learned about meditation is that you can begin to speak about your dreams, putting your wants and desires out there for the universe to hear and see. So, in the last couple weeks, I've been asking for some guidance, a sign that this LLS gig is really something I need to pursue.
Tonight, I think I got a sign. It depends on whether you believe in coincidences or not. I decided to stop and pick up my favorite Chinese dish for dinner tonight. It's been another rotten day, and I needed some comfort food. So, at the end of the very delicious meal, I cracked open my fortune cookie, and this is what was written:
"Your ideas are clever, and you will be rewarded."
That's gotta be a sign right? That's gotta be something or someone trying to give me the guidance I have been meditating about for two weeks now....right? But then it brings up all sorts of other questions... if it's a sign, does it mean I should go after this LLS gig, or by "you will be rewarded" does it mean I should wait until something much more substantial comes along? I think I might be even more confused and unsure of what to do than I was before I opened that cookie.
Until next time --
Stuart
A few weeks ago, I started meditating. It was suggested during my reading with the medium a few months ago that I begin meditating, and I finally decided to give it a try. One of the things I've learned about meditation is that you can begin to speak about your dreams, putting your wants and desires out there for the universe to hear and see. So, in the last couple weeks, I've been asking for some guidance, a sign that this LLS gig is really something I need to pursue.
Tonight, I think I got a sign. It depends on whether you believe in coincidences or not. I decided to stop and pick up my favorite Chinese dish for dinner tonight. It's been another rotten day, and I needed some comfort food. So, at the end of the very delicious meal, I cracked open my fortune cookie, and this is what was written:
"Your ideas are clever, and you will be rewarded."
That's gotta be a sign right? That's gotta be something or someone trying to give me the guidance I have been meditating about for two weeks now....right? But then it brings up all sorts of other questions... if it's a sign, does it mean I should go after this LLS gig, or by "you will be rewarded" does it mean I should wait until something much more substantial comes along? I think I might be even more confused and unsure of what to do than I was before I opened that cookie.
Until next time --
Stuart
Monday, February 1, 2010
A Career Crossroads
They say everyone will find themselves at a crossroads at least once in your life. I've been at a crossroads several times. I think, so far, that I've chosen the correct path each time, and it's led me to yet another fork in the road. Yet, this time, I'm having a lot of trouble deciding which fork to take.
I'm a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. I believe people are brought in and out of your life for a reason. You're supposed to learn something from everyone in your life whether you know it or not. Jason was brought into my life for a reason. I know that. I believe he entered my life to open my eyes, help me change my priorities, and help me realize that things in my life needed to change. And boy, have they.
3 years ago when I moved to Dallas, I was all about my career. I knew what I wanted, and I had worked so hard to get where I was. Enter Jason. He made me think about my life, about my career and what I wanted. Then the shit hit the fan. He got cancer, and everything changed. He became my world. His disease became my world. Eventually, his death became my world.
Something positive came out of all of it, though. I am now dedicating myself to his memory and raising awareness of the disease through the Light The Night Walk and working with the LLS. We raised a lot of money last year, and this year, we're going to double it. But, it's becoming so much more than that. I want to continue working with the LLS and help them do more to raise awareness. For months now, I've been trying to get out of my current job and get into the public relations industry. I've said that my dream job would be doing media relations and PR for the LLS, of course because the cause is closest to my heart.
That's when I came to the crossroads. One prong of the road would keep me on the path I've been on. I'd continue working in my current job - which of late has been a source of unbelievable misery in my life. I'm completely unhappy in my job, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My priorities have change. It's not what I want to do with my life. At all. I want out. I've wanted out. I just need a reason.
Prong number two recently arose. I had a call with the nat'l marketing director for the LLS. We discussed several options that could help bring me on board. Right now, all they could offer me is a contracted "consulting" position. I'm supposed to come up with a proposal, my rates, and responsibilities. Assuming they like it, I could start with them pretty quickly, but only part time...10-15 hours a week. It's not enough to sustain myself as a full time job, but it's too much for me to do while maintaining a full time job. So I can travel down path A and not change a thing, or I can travel down path B and quit my "stable" job with a stable check and benefits, and go into a contract consulting position that's not guaranteed, with fewer hours and less pay with the LLS. Now you see my problem.
Whichever road I choose to take, I need to be 100% committed to it. I need to decide how much of a risk I'm willing to take to seek out my dream job. Is it the right time? Should I wait? What about my happiness...how much should that weigh in on my decision? It's quite the crossroads I've come to, isn't it? Anyone have any suggestions/advice? I'm open to anything.
Until next time --
Stuart
I'm a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. I believe people are brought in and out of your life for a reason. You're supposed to learn something from everyone in your life whether you know it or not. Jason was brought into my life for a reason. I know that. I believe he entered my life to open my eyes, help me change my priorities, and help me realize that things in my life needed to change. And boy, have they.
3 years ago when I moved to Dallas, I was all about my career. I knew what I wanted, and I had worked so hard to get where I was. Enter Jason. He made me think about my life, about my career and what I wanted. Then the shit hit the fan. He got cancer, and everything changed. He became my world. His disease became my world. Eventually, his death became my world.
Something positive came out of all of it, though. I am now dedicating myself to his memory and raising awareness of the disease through the Light The Night Walk and working with the LLS. We raised a lot of money last year, and this year, we're going to double it. But, it's becoming so much more than that. I want to continue working with the LLS and help them do more to raise awareness. For months now, I've been trying to get out of my current job and get into the public relations industry. I've said that my dream job would be doing media relations and PR for the LLS, of course because the cause is closest to my heart.
That's when I came to the crossroads. One prong of the road would keep me on the path I've been on. I'd continue working in my current job - which of late has been a source of unbelievable misery in my life. I'm completely unhappy in my job, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My priorities have change. It's not what I want to do with my life. At all. I want out. I've wanted out. I just need a reason.
Prong number two recently arose. I had a call with the nat'l marketing director for the LLS. We discussed several options that could help bring me on board. Right now, all they could offer me is a contracted "consulting" position. I'm supposed to come up with a proposal, my rates, and responsibilities. Assuming they like it, I could start with them pretty quickly, but only part time...10-15 hours a week. It's not enough to sustain myself as a full time job, but it's too much for me to do while maintaining a full time job. So I can travel down path A and not change a thing, or I can travel down path B and quit my "stable" job with a stable check and benefits, and go into a contract consulting position that's not guaranteed, with fewer hours and less pay with the LLS. Now you see my problem.
Whichever road I choose to take, I need to be 100% committed to it. I need to decide how much of a risk I'm willing to take to seek out my dream job. Is it the right time? Should I wait? What about my happiness...how much should that weigh in on my decision? It's quite the crossroads I've come to, isn't it? Anyone have any suggestions/advice? I'm open to anything.
Until next time --
Stuart
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Just Another Day
January 28th. Thursday. 8 months ago, on a Thursday, my love took his last breath. It's been 8 months. Incredible to me that so much time has passed, yet it still seems like yesterday.
Last month on this date, I blogged about wanting to feel like the 28th was just another day. This month, I got my wish...mostly. I woke up this morning without a thought about what today's date meant. That's not to say I didn't think about Jason. Quite the contrary. I just didn't recognize what the date was. I went about my day - my horrible day for that matter - without giving the date a thought. I looked at the calendar a hundred times today, but never once did I recognize today's date.
It wasn't until I was on my way home tonight...trying to forget about my horrible day that I realized the date. In fact, I was sitting in front of Jason's former home... what was to be my future home... when I realized it was the 28th. I decided on my way home that I wanted to go to the house. I had such an awful day that I just needed to be close to Jason...in some form. I drove directly to the house, and within seconds of sitting there looking at it...lights on inside....blinds closed...did I realize that today is in fact the 28th. My heart skipped a beat. How could I not notice it before now? I guess I got my wish.
It made me sad for a few moments, but then I decided that I didn't need to be sad about the fact that I "forgot" about the date. It's all part of the process. I'm tired of marking the darkest day. Instead, I want to mark the happier ones. I don't want to think about the day he died anymore. I don't want to feel guilty for not remembering the day he died. I'm done with feeling guilty about it.
I'm making a promise to myself for the next 3 months. I will not allow myself to get "memorialize" the 28th until May when it hits 1 year. That's a milestone I'll recognize. Until then, March 28th and April 28th (there's no Feb 28th...i'm lucky) will just be days on the calendar. They won't mean anything. That's something I've gotta do for me. We'll see how it goes.
Until next time --
Stuart
Last month on this date, I blogged about wanting to feel like the 28th was just another day. This month, I got my wish...mostly. I woke up this morning without a thought about what today's date meant. That's not to say I didn't think about Jason. Quite the contrary. I just didn't recognize what the date was. I went about my day - my horrible day for that matter - without giving the date a thought. I looked at the calendar a hundred times today, but never once did I recognize today's date.
It wasn't until I was on my way home tonight...trying to forget about my horrible day that I realized the date. In fact, I was sitting in front of Jason's former home... what was to be my future home... when I realized it was the 28th. I decided on my way home that I wanted to go to the house. I had such an awful day that I just needed to be close to Jason...in some form. I drove directly to the house, and within seconds of sitting there looking at it...lights on inside....blinds closed...did I realize that today is in fact the 28th. My heart skipped a beat. How could I not notice it before now? I guess I got my wish.
It made me sad for a few moments, but then I decided that I didn't need to be sad about the fact that I "forgot" about the date. It's all part of the process. I'm tired of marking the darkest day. Instead, I want to mark the happier ones. I don't want to think about the day he died anymore. I don't want to feel guilty for not remembering the day he died. I'm done with feeling guilty about it.
I'm making a promise to myself for the next 3 months. I will not allow myself to get "memorialize" the 28th until May when it hits 1 year. That's a milestone I'll recognize. Until then, March 28th and April 28th (there's no Feb 28th...i'm lucky) will just be days on the calendar. They won't mean anything. That's something I've gotta do for me. We'll see how it goes.
Until next time --
Stuart
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Second Death
I did something tonight I haven't done in months...possibly even years. I turned off my television after dinner, turned on some music, and curled up with a new book. I purchased Mitch Albom's latest book "Have A Little Faith" and decided I would read the entire thing tonight. And I did. Four hours and 249 pages. I couldn't put it down.
The book is about Mitch's childhood Rabbi and a request his rabbi has after services one Sunday. The rabbi asks Mitch to do the eulogy at his funeral. Mitch, of course, thinks that it's coming sooner rather than later, but decides he needs to get to know the Rabbi as a man, not just a "Man of G-d". He proceeds to visit him and writes about his visits...just like he did in "Tuesdays With Morrie" (though these meetings were usually on Sunday).
There were many interesting discussions in this book about the Jewish faith, and just faith in general. There were many things that made me question why I've turned away from my heritage and discounted the idea that I'll ever be a "good Jew". But there was one particular section that made me think...about Jason. Mitch asked the Rabbi why people fear death. He answers that we fear death because of the unknown...what's on the other side of life. But he says there's something bigger than that that has people afraid to die. It's the fear of being forgotten: The Second Death.
Albom lays it out, and it's quite true what he says. Yes, people do live on through memories, but eventually we will all go through a second death. Eventually, the stories about us, the memories carried on about us will die with those who've carried them. Eventually, those memories will cease to exist and we will be gone, again. But, is that something to be feared, or something to be accepted as part of the circle of life? That section made me stop for a few minutes and consider Jason, his life, and what's happened since his death.
Jason never knew the impact he had on others. In fact, there were many times when someone tried to pay him a compliment and he'd brush it aside or pass the buck to someone else. I wonder if on some subconscious level, he was letting those accolades linger so that they'd hang around long after he was gone. Either way, his memory is very much still alive today nearly 8 months after he died. It will be many years before Jason's second death occurs. I'll see to that myself.
But then, I started thinking beyond Jason...to myself. I wondered how long it would between my first death and my second death. What would I be remembered for, and by whom? I know only time will tell, but I suppose it's up to me to make sure that no matter how long I live that my life has at least some sort of impact on those around me. Jason did it without knowing he needed to...or maybe he did. I don't know.
What I do know is that when the time comes for me to cross over, Jason will meet me there and my first order of business will be to hug him...a hug for every day we haven't been able to hug. If I play my cards right, that'll be a lot of hugs. It'll be worth it. He gave good hug.
Until next time --
Stuart
The book is about Mitch's childhood Rabbi and a request his rabbi has after services one Sunday. The rabbi asks Mitch to do the eulogy at his funeral. Mitch, of course, thinks that it's coming sooner rather than later, but decides he needs to get to know the Rabbi as a man, not just a "Man of G-d". He proceeds to visit him and writes about his visits...just like he did in "Tuesdays With Morrie" (though these meetings were usually on Sunday).
There were many interesting discussions in this book about the Jewish faith, and just faith in general. There were many things that made me question why I've turned away from my heritage and discounted the idea that I'll ever be a "good Jew". But there was one particular section that made me think...about Jason. Mitch asked the Rabbi why people fear death. He answers that we fear death because of the unknown...what's on the other side of life. But he says there's something bigger than that that has people afraid to die. It's the fear of being forgotten: The Second Death.
Albom lays it out, and it's quite true what he says. Yes, people do live on through memories, but eventually we will all go through a second death. Eventually, the stories about us, the memories carried on about us will die with those who've carried them. Eventually, those memories will cease to exist and we will be gone, again. But, is that something to be feared, or something to be accepted as part of the circle of life? That section made me stop for a few minutes and consider Jason, his life, and what's happened since his death.
Jason never knew the impact he had on others. In fact, there were many times when someone tried to pay him a compliment and he'd brush it aside or pass the buck to someone else. I wonder if on some subconscious level, he was letting those accolades linger so that they'd hang around long after he was gone. Either way, his memory is very much still alive today nearly 8 months after he died. It will be many years before Jason's second death occurs. I'll see to that myself.
But then, I started thinking beyond Jason...to myself. I wondered how long it would between my first death and my second death. What would I be remembered for, and by whom? I know only time will tell, but I suppose it's up to me to make sure that no matter how long I live that my life has at least some sort of impact on those around me. Jason did it without knowing he needed to...or maybe he did. I don't know.
What I do know is that when the time comes for me to cross over, Jason will meet me there and my first order of business will be to hug him...a hug for every day we haven't been able to hug. If I play my cards right, that'll be a lot of hugs. It'll be worth it. He gave good hug.
Until next time --
Stuart
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