It's extremely weird to be back here...alone. The last time I was here, I was here with Jerrod and my mother. We had a job to do, and we did it. The time before that, I was here with Jason...laying with him in the very bed I lay in alone now.
Jane (Jason's mom) took me to the cemetery today after I arrived so I could say hello. I only took a few minutes there, as she was waiting in the car. The headstone is supposed to be put in tomorrow, and I plan on going over there to spend some alone time with him.
I thought about writing a letter to him and leaving it there...but when I was on the plane ready to write, I couldn't. Everything I wrote down didn't feel right. Then I wrote "There are no words to say." And that's true. There are no words. I can't put into words how I'm feeling...how much I hurt...how empty and alone I feel. There are simply no words. No words, except for "I love you."
Besides, I know that from where Jason is now...he can see into my heart. He knows what I'm thinking...what I'm feeling. I know that I can talk to him whenever and where ever I want. I don't have to be at his grave. But, there's something sacred about talking to him there. It's almost as if he's there in front of me listening to my every word - every thought... every emotion.
Ron (Jason's dad) said he's dreamt of Jason a lot in the last couple weeks. I told him that I wish I had been so lucky. I longed for the nights when Jason would come to me in my dreams. I pray for it every night before I go to bed. I wonder "Will this be the night when I get to see him again?" I have dreamt of him several times...and each time I wake up with a new sense of calm, and almost slight happiness.
I hope he comes to me tonight...I mean...if he's gonna come to his dad, I'm just downstairs, surely he'll come to me too. :)
Here's hoping.
Stuart
No comments:
Post a Comment