Catching Up Is Hard To Do

So, I know...it's been a while since my last writing. I was off experiencing the joy that is New York City. After the downer of a trip to Boston, I needed some time away - just to myself (and some close friends) to have some fun and forget about my troubles for a while. It did the trick, for a bit anyway.

I was pretty shaken up after leaving Boston. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be seeing the stone. But, like Jason's mom said to me..each step of this process we thought would be hard and we wouldn't be able to get through, but we did. And she's right. It was extremely difficult seeing his name on that stone, but I did it. I made it through.

I got a call today from a gal I worked with on a story about breast cancer research. The patient I profiled in the story is not doing well. The cancer has spread from her breast to the lymph nodes...and her prognosis is not good. My heart just sank when I heard that news. I wanted to call her right away, but we decided it best if I wait for a little while and then contact her just to check on her.

An hour later, I was emailing with a dear friend of mine from Reno whose step-father has been battling lymphoma. I knew things had taken a turn for the worse with him, but I didn't know how bad until today. She told me that they had begun Hospice care, and that Ray didn't expect to be here another two months. I actually lost my breath when I read that. I began choking...to the point someone had to run out of the room to get me water. While the news earlier about Joan was bad...this latest gem hit hard. Gina is someone I care very deeply for...and the fact that this is happening to her...just absolutely makes me SICK! This has GOT to stop.

I think part of the hit was the "two month" thing. I can tell you word for word what was said on March 20th when Jason and I were told he had two months to live. Two months. The words just echoed. I can tell you what I was wearing that day...what thoughts went through my head...what I said to Jason. I've replayed that day over in my head almost as much as the day he died. I just can't believe that it's happening to a friend of mine. I just don't believe it.

It's been a very emotional evening...a lot of bad memories...a lot of prayers. I'm not sure what to make out of all what happened today. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to make something out of it. What I do know is that I've been re-fueled in my fight against this piece of mother fucking shit known as cancer.

I hate you. I hate you so much it hurts sometimes. I have so much hatred for you in my body that I'm happy to say - there's no room in me for you. You won't get to take me...because I'm going to take you. No matter what you throw at me, I will not fall. I will not falter. I will stand strong against you, and you will be beaten. You will be destroyed.

FUCK YOU CANCER.