Happy Birthday, My Love

September 18, 1969...the most beautiful man I've ever met was born. September 18, 2009...the most beautiful man I've ever met was supposed to turn 40 years old. May 28, 2009...the most beautiful man I've ever met was stolen from my life.

I've been dreading this day for weeks...knowing full well that I'd lose it. Jason's friends and I had already begun planning a celebration for his 40th birthday before things took a turn for the worse. We decided in the days after his death to continue with a few of those plans. Tonight, we'll be meeting for a quiet dinner at a friends house to reflect, remember, reminisce, and REALLY cry. Saturday, it's a night out on the town - the way Jason would've wanted to celebrate.

It's almost been 4 months since the love of my life took his last breath. I can still hear the sound. I can still feel his clammy hand in mine. I can still picture him laying there, eyes closed, as he gasped for one last time...and let go. It's like it was yesterday. The pain, the loneliness is still so incredibly strong. I don't feel it all day everyday like I did in the beginning. But, when I open myself up just enough to let some of it in, it's like a flood and I can hardly contain it.

This weekend is more than Jason's birthday. It also would've been our 2 year anniversary. 2 years! How is it possible that 2 short years seems like a lifetime? It just doesn't make sense.

Jason, where ever you are, I hope you will be celebrating with us - as we honor you, honor your birthday, and celebrate your life. I love you so incredibly much, and I miss you more with every second that passes.

Happy Birthday, my love. You're 40 years old now, and you're BEAUTIFUL!

Until next time --
Stuart

September...One Week In.

So, we're a little more than a week into September, and it's going pretty much like I expected. Emotional. Difficult. Gut-wrenching. Ok, so I'm having trouble coming up with other descriptive words tonight. Please excuse me.

I've consciously tried to NOT think about the last few months this week, but the more I worked at not thinking about it...naturally, the more I thought about it. And of course, this week felt like the longest week of my life. It didn't seem to end. I didn't help things either by staying up every night running through the events AGAIN in my head. Why do we do this to ourselves? Am I doing this to make sure I remember that it happened, that it was real? I'm pretty sure I know it's real...I lived it, right? Am I doing this because I'm afraid that, as time goes on, I'll forget the details? I'm thinking now that it's that one. Maybe I should start telling myself that I'll NEVER forget it.

I watched a movie last night that I probably shouldn't have. It's called "P.S., I love you" and stars Hilary Swank as a widow (her husband died of cancer, go figure) who is trying to find her way again. To be honest, most of the movie didn't bother me. There were parts I related to, parts I didn't. She definitely took things down a much different path...losing her mind a little after her husband's death. I didn't do that. I kept it together. However, towards the end of the movie, someone was reading a letter from the dead husband to his wife, and there were things in it that Jason had said to me almost word for word before he died. Things like how much I meant to him, how he saw me, etc. When I watched this in the movie, without warning, I burst into tears, practically a convulsing breakdown for 10 minutes. It almost scared me. I haven't cried like that in weeks.

This week, I found myself thinking about Jason's death in the car on the way to work, enroute to meet my parents today, driving home from a show last night. I'll daydream like it's happening now and space out - probably not a good idea since I'm behind the wheel. I even thought about it in the shower today. What is going on?!

I don't know what's happening to me. Could this be the last flood of emotions before I truly let go? There's been a lot going on lately, a lot of possibilities...possibilities that could take me away from Dallas. It's a new job opportunity that I've been straddling the fence about for a couple weeks. I guess it just has me wondering if it's too soon to leave, too soon to have a fresh start. I've moved 4 times to new cities in the last 10 years, and I know how much energy it takes to move and start a new job, make new friends, etc. I just don't know if I have the energy for all of that right now. I mean, shit! I've been through the ringer this year. Is it so awful that I'd pass on an amazing opportunity because I don't want to turn my life upside down again?! Or am I sounding like a little scaredy cat who's afraid to leave the "status quo" for the unknown? What's so good about the "status quo" right now anyway? Maybe a fresh start in a new city would do me some good. Still, I say that, and then I think..."But it's only been 3 months!"

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw...I have to wonder, how soon is too soon move on?

Until next time --
Stuart

September 1st

I haven't been looking forward to September. It's going to be a big month emotionally, physically, and any other ...ally you can think of.

First of all, three days ago marked the 3 month anniversary of Jason's passing. I'd reached the point where I had stopped replaying that May 28th over and over in my head. I'd stopped thinking about the days, hours, minutes leading up to that moment. I thought I had moved past that...but I was wrong. August 28th and the days since, every single night, I've laid awake in bed "daydreaming" those events, conversations, thoughts, and feelings over and over and over. I can't stop it...at least I haven't been able to yet. Even Lunesta doesn't help...though eventually at some point I pass out.

It's not that I want to forget those events...quite the contrary. I just don't want to think about it like this anymore. It's got me wondering if there's something I'm supposed to be looking for, something I didn't see when it was happening that I might need to know now. Or maybe it's just my mind letting me know that I'm not done feeling this yet. Needless to say, there've been a lot of tears this week. A lot of damp pillowcases. A lot of tissues in the waste basket. It's been a while since I've had to open a new box of kleenex.

September brings a lot of mixed emotions. Jason would've been turning 40 years old on September 18th. Oddly enough, that's also the day that the Emmy nominations will be announced this year. Oddly enough, that's also the start of the celebratory Jewish holiday Rosh Hashana - otherwise known as the Jewish New Year. Oddly enough, it's gay pride weekend here in DFW. And, oddly enough, it's the 2 year anniversary of our first face-to-face meeting. That one date, that one weekend holds so much meaning to me this year...more than years past. And oddly enough, I'm not looking forward to it.

After that weekend, there's two more issues with September. The weekend of the 25th brings the Lone Star Ride Fighting AIDS, an event that was extremely special to Jason. This year, they'll be retiring Jason's jersey and crew number, and they'll be using Jason's bike as the "riderless bike" to symbolize all the people we've lost this year. I'll be at the opening and closing ceremonies with his friends and his parents, who are coming in from Boston for the occasion. I'll be honest when I say - I'm not looking forward to it.

3 days after that, I'll be volunteering and speaking at a city-wide memorial/remembrance service for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I've helped plan the event, know every detail going into it. I'm supposed to write a 3-4 minute speech that I'm expected to give at the event. I haven't written a word. Again, I'm not looking forward to it.

This month will bring day after day of reminders, inuendos, thoughts, and constant realizations that I've lost my soulmate. I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

There is ONE thing I am looking forward to...O C T O B E R!

Until next time --

Stuart

Catching Up Is Hard To Do

So, I know...it's been a while since my last writing. I was off experiencing the joy that is New York City. After the downer of a trip to Boston, I needed some time away - just to myself (and some close friends) to have some fun and forget about my troubles for a while. It did the trick, for a bit anyway.

I was pretty shaken up after leaving Boston. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be seeing the stone. But, like Jason's mom said to me..each step of this process we thought would be hard and we wouldn't be able to get through, but we did. And she's right. It was extremely difficult seeing his name on that stone, but I did it. I made it through.

I got a call today from a gal I worked with on a story about breast cancer research. The patient I profiled in the story is not doing well. The cancer has spread from her breast to the lymph nodes...and her prognosis is not good. My heart just sank when I heard that news. I wanted to call her right away, but we decided it best if I wait for a little while and then contact her just to check on her.

An hour later, I was emailing with a dear friend of mine from Reno whose step-father has been battling lymphoma. I knew things had taken a turn for the worse with him, but I didn't know how bad until today. She told me that they had begun Hospice care, and that Ray didn't expect to be here another two months. I actually lost my breath when I read that. I began choking...to the point someone had to run out of the room to get me water. While the news earlier about Joan was bad...this latest gem hit hard. Gina is someone I care very deeply for...and the fact that this is happening to her...just absolutely makes me SICK! This has GOT to stop.

I think part of the hit was the "two month" thing. I can tell you word for word what was said on March 20th when Jason and I were told he had two months to live. Two months. The words just echoed. I can tell you what I was wearing that day...what thoughts went through my head...what I said to Jason. I've replayed that day over in my head almost as much as the day he died. I just can't believe that it's happening to a friend of mine. I just don't believe it.

It's been a very emotional evening...a lot of bad memories...a lot of prayers. I'm not sure what to make out of all what happened today. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to make something out of it. What I do know is that I've been re-fueled in my fight against this piece of mother fucking shit known as cancer.

I hate you. I hate you so much it hurts sometimes. I have so much hatred for you in my body that I'm happy to say - there's no room in me for you. You won't get to take me...because I'm going to take you. No matter what you throw at me, I will not fall. I will not falter. I will stand strong against you, and you will be beaten. You will be destroyed.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Etched In Stone

Today's been nothing short of horrible. Seeing his name etched in stone...in such a formal manor...just tore me up. I barely made it out of the car and had started walking towards it when I started to cry. I touched it, so cold...and the tears continued to flow, harder now. I touched his name. I ran my fingers across it...hoping that it felt like him...but it didn't. Jason is gone.

Back In Boston

Hello from Boston... from the guest bedroom of Jason's parents house. Hello from less than a mile away from where my love is buried.

It's extremely weird to be back here...alone. The last time I was here, I was here with Jerrod and my mother. We had a job to do, and we did it. The time before that, I was here with Jason...laying with him in the very bed I lay in alone now.

Jane (Jason's mom) took me to the cemetery today after I arrived so I could say hello. I only took a few minutes there, as she was waiting in the car. The headstone is supposed to be put in tomorrow, and I plan on going over there to spend some alone time with him.

I thought about writing a letter to him and leaving it there...but when I was on the plane ready to write, I couldn't. Everything I wrote down didn't feel right. Then I wrote "There are no words to say." And that's true. There are no words. I can't put into words how I'm feeling...how much I hurt...how empty and alone I feel. There are simply no words. No words, except for "I love you."

Besides, I know that from where Jason is now...he can see into my heart. He knows what I'm thinking...what I'm feeling. I know that I can talk to him whenever and where ever I want. I don't have to be at his grave. But, there's something sacred about talking to him there. It's almost as if he's there in front of me listening to my every word - every thought... every emotion.

Ron (Jason's dad) said he's dreamt of Jason a lot in the last couple weeks. I told him that I wish I had been so lucky. I longed for the nights when Jason would come to me in my dreams. I pray for it every night before I go to bed. I wonder "Will this be the night when I get to see him again?" I have dreamt of him several times...and each time I wake up with a new sense of calm, and almost slight happiness.

I hope he comes to me tonight...I mean...if he's gonna come to his dad, I'm just downstairs, surely he'll come to me too. :)

Here's hoping.

Stuart

Deleting Jason

It's been an interesting weekend. I was supposed to be taking some friends on the new boat, but the weather had other plans. Instead, I went to the Sprint store to purchase a new phone. My other one was on its death bed...so it was time to upgrade.

While standing at the counter, the Sprint man said he'd be able to transfer all of my pictures to the new phone. That didn't happen. Only a few of them moved. I lost several pictures of Jason. I didn't realize it until I was already out of the store, though...and by then my old phone had been cleared.

I also didn't realize until after it was all said and done that all my text messages from the old phone would disappear. I lost every single text message from Jason that I'd been holding onto. And yes, before you even ask if I ever read them...I did. I read them when I felt sad. I read them when I wanted to "hear from him". My heart leapt into my throat when I realized they were gone, but there was nothing I could do to get them back... just like him. I had to let them go...just like him.

Tonight, as I'm on the eve of the eve of my trip to Boston and New York, I was wanting to upload some new songs to Jason's iPod which I've now taken possession of. However, thanks to iTunes and iPod's super special security settings... for whatever reason, I can't add songs to the iPod. It kept asking me if I wanted to sync...which would completely erase everything on the iPod and add all of my stuff to it. Of course, I didn't want to do that... there are more than 1700 songs already on there. That includes the amazing "Stuart" playlist Jason created a short time before he died. Once again, I was faced with the question - delete Jason or don't. I didn't in this case. I don't want to let go of the "Stuart" playlist. I just can't. Losing the text messages was enough loss for me this weekend.

So anyway, I'm pretty much packed (a day early) for my trip. I fly to Boston on Tuesday to stay with Jason's parents for a couple days. I'll be visiting Jason, too, of course. Hopefully, the headstone will be put up before Tuesday. On Thursday, I'll make my way to New York to party it up with my childhood best friend, Michael for his birthday. Very much looking forward to that part of the trip.

I'll be sure to take lots of pictures.

Until next time...

Stuart