Today marks the 10 month anniversary of Jason's death. I promised myself several months ago that I would try to let the 28ths pass without much notice, but 3 months after that promise was made, I can say that I haven't done a very good job. This one especially. I don't know what it is about this one more than the others, but damn it this one hurts... a lot.
For the last few days, I've been in San Diego, California vacationing with some very dear friends. Booking the trip and getting here, I never even gave it a second thought that I'd be here on the 28th. It wasn't until I saw the date this morning that it hit me. Seeing that date is like a knife being jabbed into my heart...no matter what month it is. The 28th will forever be the day Jason died.
I've been in a funk all day which angered me since I'm here on vacation. I tried my best all day not to drag my friends down with me... I hope I succeeded. I waited until I was in the shower before I broke down. I had a good cry while I let the water wash over me. It felt good to cry. I haven't done that in a couple weeks. But, after I got out of the shower, I tried so hard not to cry the rest of the day...though I tell you, I was on the verge of tears most of the day. There were things I'd see walking down the street that would remind me of Jason - a french bulldog (the dog we were planning to get), a piece of art I knew he'd like, a frog (read previous post about seeing the medium)... the list goes on and on.
I've had such a GREAT trip with my friends, and I'm so upset that on our last day here I felt like I was walking underneath a rain cloud for most of the day. I'm so tired of this effecting my life, and at this point, I'm longing to hit that year mark so that I can never say "This is the first....". Once we hit May 28th...there will be no more firsts. As much as it hurts me to know that more time is passing without the man I love still so much to this day, I want time to pass quickly so that I can move on with my life.
Until next time --
Stuart
