November 28th

It's November 28th.  A date that, for most people, holds no other significance.  It didn't for me last year.  But, this year, it does.  November 28th marks the six month anniversary of the day that I lost the love of my life to cancer.

It was six months ago today that I was holding Jason's hand, caressing his face while trying to wipe the tears away from my own.  It was six months ago today that I heard my love take his last breath and slip away from all our lives.  It was six months ago today that my heart broke in such a way that it will never fully be repaired.

It makes me wonder, what has really changed in six months.  A new friend - a fellow widow - asked me last night what six months felt like.  It was a great question that I tried to answer honestly.  But, I'm not sure a lot has changed in this time.  I feel like I'm dealing with my grief a lot better than I was 3, 4, and 5 months ago.  I feel like I have more good days than bad.  I feel like I've learned to find some sort of minimal balance between bringing my grief out in the open and keeping it tucked away.  I think more of a balance is needed, as there have been plenty of times (especially lately) where I've nearly broken down at work.

But, has my grief really changed in six months?  When I think about what happened at 5:06am that morning, it hurts just as much as it did then.  I replay that morning minute by minute in my head still and my body, my heart begin to hurt.  I begin to sweat, cry, tremble...and I just want to fall down and curl up into the fetal position.  It still hurts so much, and I'm beginning to wonder if that pain will ever go away.  Sure, there are many days during the month when I don't feel this pain.  It's only when I take the time to open my mind and remember.  That's when the hurt comes flooding back, as if it's flowing right out of my soul.

So, in six months, I feel like I've learned a little, but still have a very long way to go before I feel completely in control of this monster called grief.  I think the holidays are making things a little harder.  Those firsts are always going to be tougher than the seconds and thirds.  In the blog before this, I wrote about breaking down when I heard Feliz Navidad on the radio.  That was a tough first...one I wasn't expecting.  But now, because I've made it through that first one, I can laugh again.  I hear that song (4 times today) and I laugh...just like I did before with Jason.  That must be a good sign, right?

Jason, I love you so much...even more if it's possible.  I miss you so incredibly much.  I go to bed every night hoping that you'll come to me in my dreams.  Tonight, will be no different.  Good night my sweet love, and please come see me tonight.

Until next time -
Stuart

I'm Still Thankful

It has been an unbelievable year filled with many ups and some pretty major downs. When this year began, none of us ever thought that we'd be dealing with the things we've had to deal with. While this Thanksgiving holiday is going to be extremely tough, through the sadness, I can still find things for which I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for the wonderful two years that Jason and I spent together.

I'm thankful that I had the influence of such an amazing man in my life.

I'm thankful he had such an amazing team of doctors and nurses who cared for him - both in the medical sense and personal sense.

I'm thankful that his suffering is over, and that he's no longer in pain.

I'm thankful that I have a new guardian angel on my side (who helped me win my first Emmy…for which I'm also thankful).

I'm thankful that, every day, there is something that reminds me of him.

I'm thankful that, every day, he still finds ways to make me smile.

I'm thankful that there are still plenty of days when I still feel him around me.

I'm thankful to have such an unbelievably amazing family who stood by me through everything.

I'm thankful to have such an unbelievably awesome group of friends who supported me through the most difficult time in my life.

I'm thankful to the people at work who understood what was going on, and who worked to make sure that I had nothing to worry about here.

I'm thankful to everyone who gave money, time, and support to TEAM JASON - so much so that we raised $11,000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

But most of all, I'm thankful that Jason and I were able to find love in each other. No matter how short it was in the flesh, his love and the love I have for him will live on forever, and for that, I'm extremely thankful.

So, as we all celebrate this holiday, I just wanted to say THANK YOU again to all of you for everything you've done for Jason, for his family, and for me. I wish you all a very happy holiday season.

Thanks again, and I love you guys!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Feliz Navidad, My Love

Jason loved the holidays.  He loved to put up his Christmas tree, and spend hours decorating it.  He loved to cook for the holidays.  Everything about the holidays made him happy.  Though, like me, he agreed that things got started a bit too early.  He was very particular that holiday things didn't happen until Thanksgiving.

One thing we couldn't control, though, was the music this local radio station played.  Every year, they completely throw out their format and switch to holiday music 24/7.  They, like the commercials and retail stores, always put  out their Christmas stuff waaaaay too early.  But, I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a thrill from hearing that first bout of holiday music.

One of the songs that we liked to hear initially was Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad".  Hearing it that first time actually made me smile.  Jason, too, I think.  It wasn't until the 20th or 30th time that we heard it - which was usually just a week or two into their new format - that we started getting annoyed.  It became like a game for us.  We'd text each other every time we heard it, and then we began keeping a running tally of how many times it was played.  It was our thing, and it made me smile every time I heard the song (before promptly changing the channel).

Tonight, I had just gotten in the car and started on my way home when I flipped on my afternoon drive radio station.  It's the very station that takes the format dump.  Usually they promote the hell out of it beforehand, but this year, there was no fanfare. Suddenly, I realized that I was listening to Christmas music, but it didn't phase me.  I hummed and sang along as I got on the highway and into traffic.  And then it hit.  "Feliz Navidad" came on.  I immediately started laughing and clapping, and then I did something I hadn't done in a very long time.  I reached for my phone with the intent to text message Jason.  But, before my fingers hit my phone to pick it up, my brain clicked and I realized what I was doing.  I had a complete break down right there in my car while sitting on Interstate 820.

Hearing that song was like a hard, cold slap in the face.  I can't believe I actually reached for my phone to text him.  I don't know where my head was at that moment, and I honestly felt stupid.  That was the first time in a long long time that I even ever thought about doing something like that.  I know I shouldn't punish myself, or get mad when I do things like that.  I'm sure that's going to happen, and I just need to let it.

Anyway, I'm doing better now.  I'm over it.  I won't be able to listen to that song, though...at all this entire season.  If I hear it teased, I will change the channel.  If I hear it come on without warning, I will change the channel faster than you can say Jesus.  I can't do it.  This season is going to be hard enough without adding to it.

Until next time --
Stuart

Hello Medium. I'm Stuart.

I've been giving this subject a lot of thought, and I've finally made a decision and a step forward.  I've decided that I'm going to go see a psychic/medium in hopes that I'll hear from Jason just one last time.  I'm still skeptical of this whole thing, but more than that, I'm extremely hopeful that I will hear from him.  The skeptical side of me just thinks I'll hear from him long enough for him to tell me that I wasted my money.  LOL

One of my best friends went to this woman in Frisco and had an amazing experience.  Shortly after Jason died, she let me listen to the tape she recorded at her session, and I have to say it was pretty amazing.  Whatever I believed before listening to the tape completely went out the window after listening to it.  There were things she said in that session that only Leigh Ann or someone in her family would know.  She talked about LA looking at photos of her grandfather...which she was doing just a few nights before her reading.  It literally sent chills up my spine.

That is the kind of reading I'm hoping for.  I want to know that Jason is still here with me.  I want to know that he's seeing what's going on down here.  I want to know that he saw that I won the Emmy (and I also want to know if he had anything to do with it).  I want to know if he saw that we raised nearly $11,000 in his memory.  But most of all, I need to know that he still loves me.  I need to hear it...just one last time.

I feel like I've done a fairly good job of moving on up to this point.  But lately, I just can't shake the feeling that I want to reach out and hear from him again.  If it's possible, why wouldn't I want to do it?  I'm sure my therapist would jump all over me and condemn my decision to do this...saying something to the effect of "I need to let go" and "I need to realize that Jason's dead and he's not coming back".  Of course I know he's dead and not coming back.  I'm not going into this expecting to actually SEE him.  But, I am going into this hoping to at the very least feel his presence...and hear from him (through her, obviously).  I guess that's how this all started.  I used to phsycially FEEL his presence around me.  I don't feel it anymore.  That's what bothers me.  That's why I want to know that he's still here.

So, December 7th at 6pm...I will be arriving for my reading.  One hour later, I hope to emerge from there with a new-found respect for this gift, and with a new sense of knowing that Jason is still in my life and will always be there.  Here's hoping for the best.

Until next time --
Stuart

Taking A Cue From A Soldier

This week, there was a great tragedy in the U.S.  An Army Major opened fire inside Fort Hood in Killeen, Texas killing 13 people and wounding nearly 40 others.  It's one of those stories that grips the nation, and I had the honor of being part of our stations live team coverage.  Friday, I was sent down to Fort Hood to field produce.

It was surreal being there on the post.  I met soldiers who were inside the room when the Major burst in and opened fire.  I met soldiers who pulled bodies out of there while the massacre continued.  I met soldiers who were the first on the scene, who held the Major's body.  24 hours before I was standing in front of them, they were faced with an unimaginable horror.

We had one thing in common, though.  We both have seen death up close and personal.  Granted though - the death I saw was certainly not violent.  But, what I found interesting was how they were handling it.  They are soldiers first and foremost.  Sure, they were shaken, tired, and weary, but that didn't stop them from being brave men and women...telling their stories over and over to countless media.  They didn't let what happen stop them from getting up the next morning, putting on that uniform, and reporting for duty.  To them, life must go on.  They must continue in the face of this great tragedy so that those lives lost would not be lost in vain.

When I took a step back from my work and looked at what I was seeing in front of me, I have to wonder if I was sent down there for a reason.  Did I need to see how they managed to pick themselves up so quickly and move on?  It was extremely uplifting and moving to see how they were handling all of this down there.  The Army wives, the soldiers themselves...hell, even the media!  It truly was an inspiration, and it really got me thinking about my life as it is now...and what I need to do to really get myself back on track after the massive derailment nearly six months ago.

To the soldiers and their families in Fort Hood, my thoughts and prayers are with you all... however, I have a feeling if any of you knew I was saying that, you'd tell me to turn those thoughts and prayers around on myself and turn it into something good in my life.  Funny, that's exactly what Jason told me to do time and time again before he died.  Maybe he was right.  Don't tell him I said that.  Even from the grave, I can feel him gloating.  LOL ;)

Until next time --
Stuart