So, it's been a few weeks since my last post...since my return from Boston...since the year anniversary. It's amazing to me how much things have changed for me in such a short amount of time. What a difference a year makes.
Since my last post, I really feel like I've let myself move on. This past weekend, I went on two dates...with two different guys. And, I tell you what... it felt GREAT to be back out there. It felt good to be in the company of another man, to have that anticipation in the pit of my stomach, and to have that playful interaction that only comes with dating. I forgot how much I missed all of that.
A funny (funny weird, not funny haha) thing happened last weekend. I knew it was coming, I remembered it...of course...but on the actual day, it was completely gone from my mind. There was one more first...an anniversary of sorts. Last Sunday, June 13th, was the year anniversary of the day we buried Jason's ashes. I expected that I would remember that day and do something special to commemorate the day. But, I woke up without a thought and went through my day without a thought. I never once looked at the date otherwise I think it would've triggered. It wasn't until the next day that it hit me.
At first, I felt guilty that I had "forgotten" so quickly. I felt bad that I didn't do something that day to remember him. But, then, the more I thought about it...the more I forgave myself and realized that this is a good thing. I didn't need to remember that day. That was an awful day, and why would I want to commemorate that day a year later? There was no reason to mark the day, and subconciously I guess I knew that. My guilt melted away, and I accepted the fact that it was just part of moving on.
I've felt good the last few weeks. I've felt good about myself. I've felt good about my life and the direction its going. I feel that good things are ahead of me, and I'm looking forward to them. That's not to say that I haven't looked back...because I have. I've thought about Jason almost every day since I got back from Boston. I'm still working on Team Jason and reaching our $25,000 goal. I feel like, for the first time since he died, that I'm finally finding a balance between keeping him in my heart and beginning to live my life again. It feels good. And, I think Jason would be proud.
Until next time--
Stuart
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Beyond A Year
It's now June 1, 2010. No longer can I say "Last year, when Jason was alive...". I'm sure there will still be a few "firsts" that I stumble on over the next few months, but for the most part... the "firsts" are done and gone. And, quite honestly, I'm glad.
I've said it a few times in this space... I often feel that the anticipation of an upcoming event, anniversary, etc is harder than the actual thing itself. The same was definitely true for the year anniversary. I was dreading that day... a lot. But, the actual day itself was actually quite nice. Jerrod & I spent the day with Jason's parents just relaxing on their beautiful deck...enjoying the incredible weather. We laughed, we cried, we told stories about Jason... we talked about the final days, and remembered the days that followed. We definitely laughed more than we cried, which I think is a good thing. Progress, I guess. It was exactly the way I envisioned the day would be...and it was fantastic.
Saying goodbye to Jason's parents, and then standing at the grave one last time before we left town... I felt a sense of peace about it all. For the first time since this all happened, I don't know when I'll be returning to Boston to see them. I had a bit of guilt about that...that I was leaving everyone behind, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized...I have to do what's best for me. I need to pick myself up. I need to start moving on. I need to do this for me...and I need to do this for Jason because I know it's what he'd want.
Getting on that plane to come home, it was almost liberating. By the time I landed in Dallas, I felt this new sense of calm come over me. The year was done. It was over, and I feel like I gave myself permission to release and let go. This morning walking into work, a colleague of mine mention how different I looked. She said I looked more refreshed, more "together" than I have in months. It made me wonder how much I had let the 1-year anniversary affect me without even realizing it. I guess it had...though I wasn't aware of it.
So now, beyond a year, it's onward and upward. I think I've said it before, but this time I feel like I actually have the means to do it -- I am ready to move on. Jason will forever be a part of my life and my heart. But now, I feel like I can begin to let the other parts of my heart beat stronger... and hopefully in the future... be filled with love again for another. There is no greater thing in this life than to be loved and give love in return. I can't wait to feel that again.
Until next time --
Stuart
I've said it a few times in this space... I often feel that the anticipation of an upcoming event, anniversary, etc is harder than the actual thing itself. The same was definitely true for the year anniversary. I was dreading that day... a lot. But, the actual day itself was actually quite nice. Jerrod & I spent the day with Jason's parents just relaxing on their beautiful deck...enjoying the incredible weather. We laughed, we cried, we told stories about Jason... we talked about the final days, and remembered the days that followed. We definitely laughed more than we cried, which I think is a good thing. Progress, I guess. It was exactly the way I envisioned the day would be...and it was fantastic.
Saying goodbye to Jason's parents, and then standing at the grave one last time before we left town... I felt a sense of peace about it all. For the first time since this all happened, I don't know when I'll be returning to Boston to see them. I had a bit of guilt about that...that I was leaving everyone behind, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized...I have to do what's best for me. I need to pick myself up. I need to start moving on. I need to do this for me...and I need to do this for Jason because I know it's what he'd want.
Getting on that plane to come home, it was almost liberating. By the time I landed in Dallas, I felt this new sense of calm come over me. The year was done. It was over, and I feel like I gave myself permission to release and let go. This morning walking into work, a colleague of mine mention how different I looked. She said I looked more refreshed, more "together" than I have in months. It made me wonder how much I had let the 1-year anniversary affect me without even realizing it. I guess it had...though I wasn't aware of it.
So now, beyond a year, it's onward and upward. I think I've said it before, but this time I feel like I actually have the means to do it -- I am ready to move on. Jason will forever be a part of my life and my heart. But now, I feel like I can begin to let the other parts of my heart beat stronger... and hopefully in the future... be filled with love again for another. There is no greater thing in this life than to be loved and give love in return. I can't wait to feel that again.
Until next time --
Stuart
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