Beyond A Year

It's now June 1, 2010.  No longer can I say "Last year, when Jason was alive...".  I'm sure there will still be a few "firsts" that I stumble on over the next few months, but for the most part... the "firsts" are done and gone.  And, quite honestly, I'm glad.

I've said it a few times in this space... I often feel that the anticipation of an upcoming event, anniversary, etc is harder than the actual thing itself.  The same was definitely true for the year anniversary.  I was dreading that day... a lot.  But, the actual day itself was actually quite nice.  Jerrod & I spent the day with Jason's parents just relaxing on their beautiful deck...enjoying the incredible weather.  We laughed, we cried, we told stories about Jason... we talked about the final days, and remembered the days that followed.  We definitely laughed more than we cried, which I think is a good thing.  Progress, I guess.  It was exactly the way I envisioned the day would be...and it was fantastic.

Saying goodbye to Jason's parents, and then standing at the grave one last time before we left town... I felt a sense of peace about it all.  For the first time since this all happened, I don't know when I'll be returning to Boston to see them.  I had a bit of guilt about that...that I was leaving everyone behind, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized...I have to do what's best for me.  I need to pick myself up.  I need to start moving on.  I need to do this for me...and I need to do this for Jason because I know it's what he'd want.

Getting on that plane to come home, it was almost liberating.  By the time I landed in Dallas, I felt this new sense of calm come over me.  The year was done.  It was over, and I feel like I gave myself permission to release and let go.  This morning walking into work, a colleague of mine mention how different I looked.  She said I looked more refreshed, more "together" than I have in months.  It made me wonder how much I had let the 1-year anniversary affect me without even realizing it.  I guess it had...though I wasn't aware of it.

So now, beyond a year, it's onward and upward.  I think I've said it before, but this time I feel like I actually have the means to do it -- I am ready to move on.  Jason will forever be a part of my life and my heart.  But now, I feel like I can begin to let the other parts of my heart beat stronger... and hopefully in the future... be filled with love again for another.  There is no greater thing in this life than to be loved and give love in return.  I can't wait to feel that again.

Until next time --
Stuart