Today marks the 10 month anniversary of Jason's death. I promised myself several months ago that I would try to let the 28ths pass without much notice, but 3 months after that promise was made, I can say that I haven't done a very good job. This one especially. I don't know what it is about this one more than the others, but damn it this one hurts... a lot.
For the last few days, I've been in San Diego, California vacationing with some very dear friends. Booking the trip and getting here, I never even gave it a second thought that I'd be here on the 28th. It wasn't until I saw the date this morning that it hit me. Seeing that date is like a knife being jabbed into my heart...no matter what month it is. The 28th will forever be the day Jason died.
I've been in a funk all day which angered me since I'm here on vacation. I tried my best all day not to drag my friends down with me... I hope I succeeded. I waited until I was in the shower before I broke down. I had a good cry while I let the water wash over me. It felt good to cry. I haven't done that in a couple weeks. But, after I got out of the shower, I tried so hard not to cry the rest of the day...though I tell you, I was on the verge of tears most of the day. There were things I'd see walking down the street that would remind me of Jason - a french bulldog (the dog we were planning to get), a piece of art I knew he'd like, a frog (read previous post about seeing the medium)... the list goes on and on.
I've had such a GREAT trip with my friends, and I'm so upset that on our last day here I felt like I was walking underneath a rain cloud for most of the day. I'm so tired of this effecting my life, and at this point, I'm longing to hit that year mark so that I can never say "This is the first....". Once we hit May 28th...there will be no more firsts. As much as it hurts me to know that more time is passing without the man I love still so much to this day, I want time to pass quickly so that I can move on with my life.
Until next time --
Stuart
I had a really similar thought on the 17th of this month, that it was the last first anything. It was the one year anniversary of Rick's death, the last first time Id have to go through the calendar noting important dates.
ReplyDeleteI realized, shortly after, that there were still a lot of 'firsts' for me in my life post-Rick, which kind of took away any sense of relief the previous thought had granted me.
I know that you know we will always carry these people with us, Im not sure it ever gets easier, but it gets different. You are doing an amazing job and Im so proud of you. Know that Im always just a few clicks away.
xoxo
Someone once said this to me..." You will never
ReplyDeleteknow true happiness until you have truly
loved, and you will never understand what
pain is until you have lost it."
I say this to you because I want you to
realize that this pain is an attestation to the
deepness of the love you shared with Jason.
If you didn't have that, your pain would not
still be this crippling. I don't know if that helps
at all, but it helped me when I heard that.
I love you with all my heart. As always, i'm
here for you.
The anniversary day is one that has taken me literally years to stop noticing. After the first year you still feel a funk, then you realize what the day is. There's nothing wrong with it. I'm glad you were able to enjoy a good trip with your friends!
ReplyDelete