Smacked By Grief

It's been a fairly long time since I had a really good cry and breakdown over losing Jason.  It's been a couple months, probably.  Since Christmas, I guess.  But that streak ended last night.  I went out to dinner with some friends and then went to see Valentine's Day (the movie).  I knew I was going to cry at the movie...these kinds of movies always make me cry.  But, I had no idea that it would make me cry as much as I did.

First thing that happened - while watching the previews...2 of the movies that were previewed are coming out on May 28th... which is the day Jason died.  Seeing that date on the big screen almost made my heart stop.  I got passed that when the movie started.  One of the first scenes... the character's name... JASON!  Ugh!  Then, a few scenes later, that very same character recites a poem.  If you've read my earlier blogs, you know there's one particular poem that means a lot to me.  Guess what... IT WAS THAT FREAKIN' POEM!  And one final connection... during on particular scene, a little dog ran into the room.  It was a french bulldog...the very dog that Jason and I were talking about adopting.  Of all the breeds and varieties of dogs...THAT's the one they show in the movie?  Really?!

There were just too many coincidences, too many reminders...too much talk about love.  On my way home, I completely broke down crying.  I cried the entire 30 minute drive, and then even more when I got home.  I had to feel him, smell him.  I pulled out one of his shirts...and amazingly, even nine months after he died, it still smells like him.  I held it tightly, smelling it, for hours.  I fell asleep with it in my arms, and woke up with it laying next to me 10 hours later.

I miss him so much it hurts.  I miss his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, his sarcasm, his touch, his laugh...I miss everything.  I had been doing fine...I had been doing great...and last night, I was slapped in the face by grief...and it HURT!

Until next time --
Stuart