A Day Of Mourning

I've been to one funeral since Jason's.  It was for my brother's friends who died.  But, somehow this funeral today feels different.  It's still hours away, and already I'm on the verge of tears. 

Leah embodied hope & fight to me in the months after Jason died.  She was my beacon...the one person who I thought would kick the shit out of cancer.  I was so beat down after what happened, that I hung onto every positive update I got from her.  And then, just like Jason's case, things took a turn and never recovered.

It's just not fair.  My colleague/friend Meridith - who also knew Leah - will be attending the funeral with me today.  This is her second cancer related funeral in a month!  Her best friend's husband recently died after battling his cancer for almost 10 years.  It's just unreal. 

At work, I've been given an incredible opportunity to help give a voice and put a face on cancer in North Texas.  As you probably know, the big 3 networks are joining forces again this year for "Stand Up To Cancer".  It'll be a live simulcasted event across the networks on September 10th.  Last month, I put together a proposal for a localized Stand Up To Cancer special, and it was approved!  I've already got more than a dozen stories lined up to start shooting over the next few weeks. 

But, as I sit here in my suit...the very same suit I wore for Jason's funeral...I have pause about this wonderful special I'm going to be putting together.  I know myself enough to know that I will become attached to the patients & families I profile.  Am I setting myself up for more emotional cutting in the future if something happens to one of them?  Probably so.  Can I handle more of this?  I'm not sure I can answer that today.

Either way, I will not let anything - grief, or otherwise - stand in my way of doing this special.  It means the world to me to do it, and I will give it 110%.  After it's done, though, I'm thinking I need to hang up my "cancer hat" for a little while and emotionally take a break.  I'm finally understanding why my therapist was so concerned about me wanting to change careers and work in a cancer-related field.  My wound is still so raw, and it's only pouring salt on it.

At least, that's how I feel today...but, maybe tomorrow will be a different story.

Until next time --
Stuart