First of all, three days ago marked the 3 month anniversary of Jason's passing. I'd reached the point where I had stopped replaying that May 28th over and over in my head. I'd stopped thinking about the days, hours, minutes leading up to that moment. I thought I had moved past that...but I was wrong. August 28th and the days since, every single night, I've laid awake in bed "daydreaming" those events, conversations, thoughts, and feelings over and over and over. I can't stop it...at least I haven't been able to yet. Even Lunesta doesn't help...though eventually at some point I pass out.
It's not that I want to forget those events...quite the contrary. I just don't want to think about it like this anymore. It's got me wondering if there's something I'm supposed to be looking for, something I didn't see when it was happening that I might need to know now. Or maybe it's just my mind letting me know that I'm not done feeling this yet. Needless to say, there've been a lot of tears this week. A lot of damp pillowcases. A lot of tissues in the waste basket. It's been a while since I've had to open a new box of kleenex.
September brings a lot of mixed emotions. Jason would've been turning 40 years old on September 18th. Oddly enough, that's also the day that the Emmy nominations will be announced this year. Oddly enough, that's also the start of the celebratory Jewish holiday Rosh Hashana - otherwise known as the Jewish New Year. Oddly enough, it's gay pride weekend here in DFW. And, oddly enough, it's the 2 year anniversary of our first face-to-face meeting. That one date, that one weekend holds so much meaning to me this year...more than years past. And oddly enough, I'm not looking forward to it.
After that weekend, there's two more issues with September. The weekend of the 25th brings the Lone Star Ride Fighting AIDS, an event that was extremely special to Jason. This year, they'll be retiring Jason's jersey and crew number, and they'll be using Jason's bike as the "riderless bike" to symbolize all the people we've lost this year. I'll be at the opening and closing ceremonies with his friends and his parents, who are coming in from Boston for the occasion. I'll be honest when I say - I'm not looking forward to it.
3 days after that, I'll be volunteering and speaking at a city-wide memorial/remembrance service for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I've helped plan the event, know every detail going into it. I'm supposed to write a 3-4 minute speech that I'm expected to give at the event. I haven't written a word. Again, I'm not looking forward to it.
This month will bring day after day of reminders, inuendos, thoughts, and constant realizations that I've lost my soulmate. I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
There is ONE thing I am looking forward to...O C T O B E R!
Until next time --
Stuart
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