September...One Week In.

So, we're a little more than a week into September, and it's going pretty much like I expected. Emotional. Difficult. Gut-wrenching. Ok, so I'm having trouble coming up with other descriptive words tonight. Please excuse me.

I've consciously tried to NOT think about the last few months this week, but the more I worked at not thinking about it...naturally, the more I thought about it. And of course, this week felt like the longest week of my life. It didn't seem to end. I didn't help things either by staying up every night running through the events AGAIN in my head. Why do we do this to ourselves? Am I doing this to make sure I remember that it happened, that it was real? I'm pretty sure I know it's real...I lived it, right? Am I doing this because I'm afraid that, as time goes on, I'll forget the details? I'm thinking now that it's that one. Maybe I should start telling myself that I'll NEVER forget it.

I watched a movie last night that I probably shouldn't have. It's called "P.S., I love you" and stars Hilary Swank as a widow (her husband died of cancer, go figure) who is trying to find her way again. To be honest, most of the movie didn't bother me. There were parts I related to, parts I didn't. She definitely took things down a much different path...losing her mind a little after her husband's death. I didn't do that. I kept it together. However, towards the end of the movie, someone was reading a letter from the dead husband to his wife, and there were things in it that Jason had said to me almost word for word before he died. Things like how much I meant to him, how he saw me, etc. When I watched this in the movie, without warning, I burst into tears, practically a convulsing breakdown for 10 minutes. It almost scared me. I haven't cried like that in weeks.

This week, I found myself thinking about Jason's death in the car on the way to work, enroute to meet my parents today, driving home from a show last night. I'll daydream like it's happening now and space out - probably not a good idea since I'm behind the wheel. I even thought about it in the shower today. What is going on?!

I don't know what's happening to me. Could this be the last flood of emotions before I truly let go? There's been a lot going on lately, a lot of possibilities...possibilities that could take me away from Dallas. It's a new job opportunity that I've been straddling the fence about for a couple weeks. I guess it just has me wondering if it's too soon to leave, too soon to have a fresh start. I've moved 4 times to new cities in the last 10 years, and I know how much energy it takes to move and start a new job, make new friends, etc. I just don't know if I have the energy for all of that right now. I mean, shit! I've been through the ringer this year. Is it so awful that I'd pass on an amazing opportunity because I don't want to turn my life upside down again?! Or am I sounding like a little scaredy cat who's afraid to leave the "status quo" for the unknown? What's so good about the "status quo" right now anyway? Maybe a fresh start in a new city would do me some good. Still, I say that, and then I think..."But it's only been 3 months!"

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw...I have to wonder, how soon is too soon move on?

Until next time --
Stuart