A Flash Forward

Have you seen the show Flash Forward on ABC?  If not, the basic premise is that at some point, the entire world blacked out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds...and everyone saw something happening 6 months into the future.  It's an interesting show.  Check it out if you have time in your TV viewing schedule.

I bring it up only because - as weird as it sounds - I kinda feel like I had a flash forward tonight.  I know that sounds crazy, but it really was the weirdest feeling.  It was a day dream, that's for sure.  It happened tonight while I was driving home from my best friend Amy's house.  Yes, I was driving...I know probably not a safe situation to be day dreaming.  It's happened to me a lot since Jason died.  In the beginning, I'd day dream and replay the moments of his death, or I'd go even farther back and replay moments from my birthday weekend.

Anyway, I digress.  I didn't really have anything in my mind at the time, and then boom...all of a sudden I saw myself walking up to Jason's grave, but I wasn't alone.  I was holding hands with another man...holding his hand extremely tight, actually.  I began to feel very nervous...almost like I was bringing someone home to meet my parents.  I never saw the other man's face.  But, it was quite clear, I was bringing a new lover to meet Jason.  In the next instant, I was at Jason's parents house introducing this mysterious man to Jason's mom Jane.  She shook his hand and then gave me a big hug.  And at that moment, I snapped back into reality and finished my drive home.

I was immediately baffled by my "vision" or whatever you want to call it.  Did I just have my own version of a flash forward?  I couldn't tell when this was taking place, but it was warmer.  So, it wasn't fall or winter.  But this whole thing got me thinking about the future and how the next man in my life is going to have a lot to live up to.  Not only will he have to overcome meeting my friends and family (which is big enough in its own right), he's now going to have to overcome the fact that Jason will ALWAYS be a part of my life.  I will want him to come with me to Boston to see Jason's grave.  I will want him to meet Jason's parents.  I will want him to know about them and understand our past.  I did know this - during my day dream, I did feel like I was in love again...I had strong feelings for this person.  I must have if I brought him to Boston.

I wonder if this was all just a sign that I need to start getting back out there again.  I wonder if it was Jason's way of nudging me, telling me it's time to start dating again.  Jason was very pushy at the end, saying that he wanted me to move on quickly.  He was very concerned that I would go years without opening myself back up.  But, so soon?  I just don't know if I'm really ready to do that!  It's been five months.  Today.  Five months ago today.  Wow.  FIVE MONTHS!  I almost didn't realize it was the 28th.  That's just insane.  It feels so long ago, yet at times, it feels like it was yesterday.

I don't know what to do.  And chances are, this is going to be bothering me for some time.  Once again, I find myself alone in having to deal with this.  No one around me has had to go through this (luckily), so I have no one to go to for guidance.  Once again, I wish there was a manual on how to do this.  I'm open to your advice...

Until next time --
Stuart

An Amazing Weekend!

What an amazing weekend.  Truly AMAZING!

First, we'll start with some REALLY exciting news!  I WON AN EMMY AWARD!  Yes!  An actual EMMY AWARD!

It's my very first one.  I've been nominated 5 previous times but never won...until NOW!  I'm so super excited...but it's really bittersweet because Jason was supposed to be here to see this.  It really just drove home the fact that he's not here...he'll never be here to celebrate my wins, or even to help ease my losses.  I know "he's here in spirit" and all that other blah blah blah...but, that doesn't make me feel better.  I'm greedy, and I want him here with me...IN THE FLESH. 

But, I put all my sad feelings aside for another celebration this weekend.  It was the 2009 Dallas Light the Night Walk!  I promised Jason before he died that if I won that Emmy...I would haul it around with me at the walk.  And I did.

It was a fantastic night!  TEAM JASON was out in FULL force.

I am SO incredibly blessed with an amazing group of friends and family.  They have ALL been so amazing through all of this.  They've given me unbelievable support with TEAM JASON and I can't thank them enough.

TEAM JASON has so far raised $10,550 for the fight against blood cancers.  We were the #1 friends and family fundraising team in Dallas.  ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!

It has been an unbelievably awesome weekend.  So many wonderful memories...but also plenty of reminders that the love of my life is no longer here.  

Until next time --

Stuart

From 0 to 10,000

Something amazing happened this morning.  TEAM JASON, the team I created for the Dallas Light the Night Walk, officially raised more than $10,000!  This morning, we crossed that amazing threshold with 2 days to spare (the walk is this Sunday). 

I am both humbled and completely blown away by the outpouring of love and support for this wonderful cause.  I was told yesterday that $500 helps support one family navigate their way through this awful disease.  Our $10,000 will help 20 families!  That is simply amazing, humbling, and inspiring!

What's also inspiring is how many people donated to our cause.  People I've never met.  People Jason never met.  More than a dozen people who donated to the team (some donating $100 or more) never met Jason. They've only heard about him through a mutual friend or colleague, but because of the awesome connection he had to that person, these people felt compelled to donate to his memory. To me, THAT is the mark of a truly remarkable man whose legacy will continue to live on not only in those who know and love him, but also in those who merely hear about him from others. That is a testament to how many lives Jason touched and how deep those connections ran. We should all strive to be more like that.

I just wanted to take a moment through this medium to say THANK YOU to everyone who helped make TEAM JASON the amazing success that it is.  No one did it alone.  It was a complete team effort, and everyone from those who donated to those who spread the word should be proud of their effort and proud to be a part of the wonderful way we're honoring the most wonderful man in my life. 

By the way - did I mention that TEAM JASON is the #1 fundraising team in DALLAS?!  WE'RE NUMBER ONE BABY!  How awesome is that!?

The walk is Sunday, and I'm so excited to be a part of it.  I'm so much looking forward to seeing everyone there, celebrating our accomplishment, but most of all...celebrating the man who brought us all together.

Until next time--
Stuart

Say Jason To Me

I just read this poem on another blog, and just had to put it on mine.  Beautiful words that couldn't be truer.  This poem was rephrased and based on the book "Saying Olin to Goodbye" by Donald Hackett.

The time of concern is over.  No longer am I asked how I am doing.
Never is the name of my partner mentioned to me.
A curtain descends.  The moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.
There are expectations...close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family.
For most, the drama is over.  The spotlight is off.
Applause is silent.

But for me, the play will never end.  The effects are timeless.
On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor.
Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life.  Love does not die.
His name is written on my life.  The sound of his voice replays within my mind.
You feel he is dead.  I feel he is of the dead and still lives.
You say he WAS my partner.  I say he IS.

It hurts to bury his memory in silence.
What he was in the flesh has now turned to ash.
What he is in spirit, stirs within me always.  He is of my past, but he is part of my present.
He is my hope for the future.  You say not to remind me.  How little you understand that I cannot forget.  I would not if I could.


I forgive you, because you cannot know.  I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you.
I do not ask you to walk this road.  The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.  I walk it not by choice.  I would rather walk it with him in the flesh.

I am what I have to be.  What I have lost you cannot feel.  What I have gained you cannot see.

Say Jason, for he is alive in me.
He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted.  He and his life play light songs in my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my dreams.  He is real and he is shadow.
He was and he is.  He is my partner and I love him as I always did.

Say Jason to me and say Jason again.

What's Next?

For the last few months...well, really since Jason died in late May, there has been distraction after distraction to keep my mind going.  That's not to say that I've been in denial about Jason's death...or that I haven't been dealing with it.  But, I've had other things, positive things, to keep me going and to help keep my chin up.

However, all of that will culminate in next Sunday's Light the Night Walk for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in Dallas.  The day after Jason's burial in Boston I created TEAM JASON for the Dallas walk, and in four months time we became the #1 fundraising team.  Just this morning we crossed a major threshold...$9,000! I've worked my ass off over the last four months to raise money and ensure TEAM JASON's success.

But, come Sunday, it's all going to be over.  And then what?  I was really dreading the month of September because of all the reminders of Jason's absence.  But, looking back...I wonder if I was really dreading it...or welcoming it because each event was just one more way...one more reason to feel close to Jason again.  His mother asked me today what I'm going to do with myself after Sunday.  I didn't have an answer for her...and still don't.  I don't know what I'm going to do...I don't know how I'm going to continue to keep Jason's memory alive in me...and alive in others.

I've been kicking around the idea of creating and launching the TEAM JASON website for both the Light the Night Walk and for the Lone Star Ride.  But, lately, I'm thinking that's not enough.  First of all, those two events are so close together so I'm afraid that people will get confused and it will actually bring in fewer donations.  However, I do feel strongly that merging these two teams could be good.  I just need to give this project more thought...but it will happen.  I will do this.  I need to...for me...and for Jason.  I will not let his life...his death be for nothing.

If anything, I'd like to use part of the site for reaching out to other widows of cancer.  If you read my last blog, you'll understand why.  More needs to be done to reach out to those of us who have been left behind...whose love has been stolen by this disease.  We cannot be forgotten.  Our fight should not be lost.

So, I'm open for suggestions about the new upcoming site.  And here's to hoping that I don't lose my mind in a week after the walk is over.  I'm really nervous now about how I'm going to feel, what I'm going to think.  Will it all hit me at once, or will it be a gradual ambush?  I guess only time will tell.

Until next time...
Stuart

The Forgotten Warriors

I'm about to get on a soap box and speak honestly.  I apologize in advance if my rant offends anyone.  That is not my intention.  I am in no way trying to undermine the amazing work that cancer warriors are doing.  I am in no way trying to diminish their fight.  This is just my view from where I sit.

Since Jason's diagnosis and subsequent death, I've inundated myself with people in the cancer community.  Whether it be on twitter, facebook, or other websites...there is certainly no shortage of wonderful cancer fighting organizations.  And that's great!  I've enjoyed getting to know a few of them personally and professionally, and I admire so very much the work they're doing.  I'm even volunteering my time and money with several of the organizations.  My beef isn't even with them, per se.

Here's my problem.  For 1 year exactly - from May 28, 2008 to May 28, 2009 - I fought right alongside Jason as he battled his disease.  I was there for every step, every treatment, every speed bump, and I was there when that beautiful man let go.  I had support from friends and family, sure, but I also had the support of a few great organizations.  However, that all went away when Jason died.  Now that his fight was over, I - the person who fought just as hard as he did - was forgotten.  I was discarded as waste - or at least that's how I feel.

Now, that's not to say that every group did that.  I've been welcomed into the local Leukemia & Lymphoma Society chapter and have worked my ass off to raise money for our Light the Night Walk team.  They've been amazing to me, and I thank them for realizing that just because the person with the cancer is gone doesn't mean that those of us left behind don't need support.  I'm all for providing hope, support, and encouragement to those who are still fighting this awful monster.  I want everyone with this disease to make it.  I don't want anyone to have to go through what Jason went through.  It was awful.

But, I'm reaching a point of anger...disappointment...and frustration.  There have been a number of times lately like I've "overstayed my welcome".  I get the feeling like no one in the "living w/ cancer" world wants anything to do with me - a widower.  I suppose I remind them of the reality that cancer kills.  I remind them that no matter how much hope you have, no matter how many prayers you say, cancer still kills.  I now feel like I've become part of a forgotten group...the widows and widowers who have been discarded from the cancer fight because we remind everyone else about cancer's ugly side.  And, to be honest, I'm starting to get a little mad about it.

I told Jason the morning he died that I would not give up the fight.  I told Jason that I would continue to fight in his name.  That's exactly what I've been doing these last four months.  But, I almost feel like I'm fighting alone.  I mean, I've got my friends (and his friends, too), and family of course...and there are the wonderful folks at the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for whom I've helped raise nearly $8,000.  Beyond that, though, I feel pushed aside, and I don't know why.

I'm curious to know if there are others who feel this way.  I'd like to know if I'm out of bounds on this one...if I'm just being a bitter-body looking for someone to be mad at.  I don't think that's the case...at least I hope not.  Maybe this can just be chalked up to that whole "everyone else is moving on with their lives and I'm still stuck in the past" feeling.

I really want to be a part of the fight.  I want to be a part of the hope, the dream that one day there will be a cure for cancer.  But, I also want people to know that until that happens - the reality is cancer does kill.  I believe people in the "living w/ cancer" world should hear from those of us who have watched our loved one's battle against the disease end before our eyes.  Hearing that reality, in my view, could help ignite even more of a fire to fight.

I guess all of this was sparked by a comment I saw on twitter today.  A man who created a cancer organization for young adults with cancer said something that really bothered me.  He addressed the members of the media and begged that we all stop using the word "victim" when talking about people with cancer.  It's not the first time I've heard someone say that.  But what's wrong with the word victim?  Does it make the person sound weak?  Are they not being victimized by the cancer?  Is it not wreaking havoc on their body?  Does that not make them a victim?  When Jason died...did he not become a victim of cancer?  Once again - those who died (and those left behind) are pushed aside because those still fighting don't want to see the other side.

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive.  Maybe I'm just angry today.  I haven't been angry in a long time.

Until next time -- I welcome your comments.
Stuart

To Where You Are

The following song came on the radio tonight while I was driving home from a friends house and I seriously almost had to pull over because I was crying so hard. It's a Josh Groban song (written and performed first by Richard Marx). Here's a youtube video of a live version with a touching story to go with it. Lyrics are below that. Tell me this doesn't make you cry.



To Where You Are lyrics

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

My Twin...Sort Of

I had an interesting (and emotional) experience today that I was not prepared for. I'm working on a story about some new medical research (can't get specific...as there are prying eyes on this blog). I was interviewing a patient involved in a local clinic trial for a vaccine for a disease in which there is currently no cure. It's not cancer.

Anyway - the man is gay (hint hint), and was very nervous about doing the interview. So when I met him, I wanted to calm him down and let him know that I know a little about what he's going through - that I'm not just some guy who doesn't care about him. So shortly after we met, I told him that I had recently lost my partner to cancer...letting him know that I'm gay as well. That's when I got the bomb dropped on me that I wasn't expecting.

As soon as I said that...he turned to me and said that he, too, had recently lost his partner to cancer. Further talk uncovered that Jason and this guy's love died from the EXACT same cancer. HOW FREAKIN' RANDOM IS THAT?! Needless to say, that threw both of us for a loop, and by the end of the interview, we were both crying. After all was said and done, we gave each other a big hug.

He said things in that interview that I have said several times...like I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy. It was like I was looking in a mirror. FINALLY someone was sitting in front of me who knew EXACTLY...word-for-word what I had been through and was currently going through. It was an amazing experience...one that I had not experienced this whole time. I've talked to other widows - some with very similar stories. However, I've never met another gay man whose lost his partner to the exact same thing. He knew exactly what it was like. They died virtually the same way. It was really chilling to hear someone else's story - and it was almost identical to mine. It literally sent a chill up my spine.

I also happened to be interviewing this person a building away from where Jason was treated for his cancer. So, after we were done, I popped over to the 5th floor of the cancer center to say hi to all my favorite oncology nurses. I love those ladies so much. They became like family during the whole ordeal, and I don't ever want to lose my relationship with them. I'm making it a point to go see them as often as I can. Some people ask me if it's weird going back to the oncology floor. At first, it was extremely weird and difficult...especially when I ran into Jason's doctor for the first time. I wanted to yell and scream "YOU FAILED!" But, I didn't. It really wasn't his fault. It's cancer's fault. Right?

Until next time--
Stuart