Have you seen the show Flash Forward on ABC? If not, the basic premise is that at some point, the entire world blacked out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds...and everyone saw something happening 6 months into the future. It's an interesting show. Check it out if you have time in your TV viewing schedule.
I bring it up only because - as weird as it sounds - I kinda feel like I had a flash forward tonight. I know that sounds crazy, but it really was the weirdest feeling. It was a day dream, that's for sure. It happened tonight while I was driving home from my best friend Amy's house. Yes, I was driving...I know probably not a safe situation to be day dreaming. It's happened to me a lot since Jason died. In the beginning, I'd day dream and replay the moments of his death, or I'd go even farther back and replay moments from my birthday weekend.
Anyway, I digress. I didn't really have anything in my mind at the time, and then boom...all of a sudden I saw myself walking up to Jason's grave, but I wasn't alone. I was holding hands with another man...holding his hand extremely tight, actually. I began to feel very nervous...almost like I was bringing someone home to meet my parents. I never saw the other man's face. But, it was quite clear, I was bringing a new lover to meet Jason. In the next instant, I was at Jason's parents house introducing this mysterious man to Jason's mom Jane. She shook his hand and then gave me a big hug. And at that moment, I snapped back into reality and finished my drive home.
I was immediately baffled by my "vision" or whatever you want to call it. Did I just have my own version of a flash forward? I couldn't tell when this was taking place, but it was warmer. So, it wasn't fall or winter. But this whole thing got me thinking about the future and how the next man in my life is going to have a lot to live up to. Not only will he have to overcome meeting my friends and family (which is big enough in its own right), he's now going to have to overcome the fact that Jason will ALWAYS be a part of my life. I will want him to come with me to Boston to see Jason's grave. I will want him to meet Jason's parents. I will want him to know about them and understand our past. I did know this - during my day dream, I did feel like I was in love again...I had strong feelings for this person. I must have if I brought him to Boston.
I wonder if this was all just a sign that I need to start getting back out there again. I wonder if it was Jason's way of nudging me, telling me it's time to start dating again. Jason was very pushy at the end, saying that he wanted me to move on quickly. He was very concerned that I would go years without opening myself back up. But, so soon? I just don't know if I'm really ready to do that! It's been five months. Today. Five months ago today. Wow. FIVE MONTHS! I almost didn't realize it was the 28th. That's just insane. It feels so long ago, yet at times, it feels like it was yesterday.
I don't know what to do. And chances are, this is going to be bothering me for some time. Once again, I find myself alone in having to deal with this. No one around me has had to go through this (luckily), so I have no one to go to for guidance. Once again, I wish there was a manual on how to do this. I'm open to your advice...
Until next time --
Stuart
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am sorry for your loss. I loss my partner 125 days ago and she was the love of my life for the last 27 years. I am shattered, lost, empty,and see nothing ahead for me. We were in the early stages of preparing to retire at 55 and she was stricken with brain cancer and no hope. She died in 18 months and with her died my dreams and hopes for the future. Everything we had planned is gone. Its hard to live when you have no dreams. At least in your dream you are young enough to go forward. For me, I have lost everything that made me whole. I go to sleep at night and wish that I wouldn't wake up.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous -
ReplyDeleteI am so incredibly heartbroken to hear your story! While our relationship was not nearly as long as yours, I do understand a little about hopes and dreams being shattered. Jason and I were just 1 week away of moving in together and beginning a renovation project on the house we chose to share together. That will never happen, and now that house sits empty waiting to be sold.
But, I feel very strongly about what I'm about to say. No matter my age versus yours...I believe in my heart that it's not over for you. You're right, it is extremely hard to live when your dreams have been ripped out of your hands. But, it's not over for you. Your partner wouldn't want you to give up on yourself. If you give up on yourself, all of your memories of her will be given up, too. And that can't happen. She lives on through you and your memories, and you must go on so that she can continue to live. That is what I keep telling myself. I know Jason would be kicking my ass to get up and keep living my life. So, I do. I do it for him. I do it in his name and I dedicate every day I wake up breathing to him and the love that we shared.
You can get through this. You have to. For her.
If you ever would like to talk, please reach out to me. Email me at sboslow@gmail.com and I will forward you my number. I wish I could see you and give you a big hug. Please know you are not alone.