January 28th. Thursday. 8 months ago, on a Thursday, my love took his last breath. It's been 8 months. Incredible to me that so much time has passed, yet it still seems like yesterday.
Last month on this date, I blogged about wanting to feel like the 28th was just another day. This month, I got my wish...mostly. I woke up this morning without a thought about what today's date meant. That's not to say I didn't think about Jason. Quite the contrary. I just didn't recognize what the date was. I went about my day - my horrible day for that matter - without giving the date a thought. I looked at the calendar a hundred times today, but never once did I recognize today's date.
It wasn't until I was on my way home tonight...trying to forget about my horrible day that I realized the date. In fact, I was sitting in front of Jason's former home... what was to be my future home... when I realized it was the 28th. I decided on my way home that I wanted to go to the house. I had such an awful day that I just needed to be close to Jason...in some form. I drove directly to the house, and within seconds of sitting there looking at it...lights on inside....blinds closed...did I realize that today is in fact the 28th. My heart skipped a beat. How could I not notice it before now? I guess I got my wish.
It made me sad for a few moments, but then I decided that I didn't need to be sad about the fact that I "forgot" about the date. It's all part of the process. I'm tired of marking the darkest day. Instead, I want to mark the happier ones. I don't want to think about the day he died anymore. I don't want to feel guilty for not remembering the day he died. I'm done with feeling guilty about it.
I'm making a promise to myself for the next 3 months. I will not allow myself to get "memorialize" the 28th until May when it hits 1 year. That's a milestone I'll recognize. Until then, March 28th and April 28th (there's no Feb 28th...i'm lucky) will just be days on the calendar. They won't mean anything. That's something I've gotta do for me. We'll see how it goes.
Until next time --
Stuart
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Second Death
I did something tonight I haven't done in months...possibly even years. I turned off my television after dinner, turned on some music, and curled up with a new book. I purchased Mitch Albom's latest book "Have A Little Faith" and decided I would read the entire thing tonight. And I did. Four hours and 249 pages. I couldn't put it down.
The book is about Mitch's childhood Rabbi and a request his rabbi has after services one Sunday. The rabbi asks Mitch to do the eulogy at his funeral. Mitch, of course, thinks that it's coming sooner rather than later, but decides he needs to get to know the Rabbi as a man, not just a "Man of G-d". He proceeds to visit him and writes about his visits...just like he did in "Tuesdays With Morrie" (though these meetings were usually on Sunday).
There were many interesting discussions in this book about the Jewish faith, and just faith in general. There were many things that made me question why I've turned away from my heritage and discounted the idea that I'll ever be a "good Jew". But there was one particular section that made me think...about Jason. Mitch asked the Rabbi why people fear death. He answers that we fear death because of the unknown...what's on the other side of life. But he says there's something bigger than that that has people afraid to die. It's the fear of being forgotten: The Second Death.
Albom lays it out, and it's quite true what he says. Yes, people do live on through memories, but eventually we will all go through a second death. Eventually, the stories about us, the memories carried on about us will die with those who've carried them. Eventually, those memories will cease to exist and we will be gone, again. But, is that something to be feared, or something to be accepted as part of the circle of life? That section made me stop for a few minutes and consider Jason, his life, and what's happened since his death.
Jason never knew the impact he had on others. In fact, there were many times when someone tried to pay him a compliment and he'd brush it aside or pass the buck to someone else. I wonder if on some subconscious level, he was letting those accolades linger so that they'd hang around long after he was gone. Either way, his memory is very much still alive today nearly 8 months after he died. It will be many years before Jason's second death occurs. I'll see to that myself.
But then, I started thinking beyond Jason...to myself. I wondered how long it would between my first death and my second death. What would I be remembered for, and by whom? I know only time will tell, but I suppose it's up to me to make sure that no matter how long I live that my life has at least some sort of impact on those around me. Jason did it without knowing he needed to...or maybe he did. I don't know.
What I do know is that when the time comes for me to cross over, Jason will meet me there and my first order of business will be to hug him...a hug for every day we haven't been able to hug. If I play my cards right, that'll be a lot of hugs. It'll be worth it. He gave good hug.
Until next time --
Stuart
The book is about Mitch's childhood Rabbi and a request his rabbi has after services one Sunday. The rabbi asks Mitch to do the eulogy at his funeral. Mitch, of course, thinks that it's coming sooner rather than later, but decides he needs to get to know the Rabbi as a man, not just a "Man of G-d". He proceeds to visit him and writes about his visits...just like he did in "Tuesdays With Morrie" (though these meetings were usually on Sunday).
There were many interesting discussions in this book about the Jewish faith, and just faith in general. There were many things that made me question why I've turned away from my heritage and discounted the idea that I'll ever be a "good Jew". But there was one particular section that made me think...about Jason. Mitch asked the Rabbi why people fear death. He answers that we fear death because of the unknown...what's on the other side of life. But he says there's something bigger than that that has people afraid to die. It's the fear of being forgotten: The Second Death.
Albom lays it out, and it's quite true what he says. Yes, people do live on through memories, but eventually we will all go through a second death. Eventually, the stories about us, the memories carried on about us will die with those who've carried them. Eventually, those memories will cease to exist and we will be gone, again. But, is that something to be feared, or something to be accepted as part of the circle of life? That section made me stop for a few minutes and consider Jason, his life, and what's happened since his death.
Jason never knew the impact he had on others. In fact, there were many times when someone tried to pay him a compliment and he'd brush it aside or pass the buck to someone else. I wonder if on some subconscious level, he was letting those accolades linger so that they'd hang around long after he was gone. Either way, his memory is very much still alive today nearly 8 months after he died. It will be many years before Jason's second death occurs. I'll see to that myself.
But then, I started thinking beyond Jason...to myself. I wondered how long it would between my first death and my second death. What would I be remembered for, and by whom? I know only time will tell, but I suppose it's up to me to make sure that no matter how long I live that my life has at least some sort of impact on those around me. Jason did it without knowing he needed to...or maybe he did. I don't know.
What I do know is that when the time comes for me to cross over, Jason will meet me there and my first order of business will be to hug him...a hug for every day we haven't been able to hug. If I play my cards right, that'll be a lot of hugs. It'll be worth it. He gave good hug.
Until next time --
Stuart
Monday, January 11, 2010
A Piece Of Art, A Piece of Jason
I am on cloud nine right now! I'm so excited. Something happened tonight, and I actually feel like I have a piece of Jason back with me. I actually feel him here. It's INCREDIBLE.
So, you may have read my earlier posting about spending Christmas with Jason's parents. For a present, they gave me a piece of artwork that Jason did when he was 11 years old (1980). It was done the year I was born - which is creepy and sweet all at the same time. LOL Anyway - it was the most awesome gift I've ever received, and I loved it the instant I opened it. Here's how it looked when I got it:
The frame was very simple, just a wood frame that Jason and his dad had built together. It was very sweet. The matting was clearly just a sheet of paper that had a hole cut out of it. I loved it just the way it was.
But when I got home and it arrived (had to ship it back here), I decided that it was just too beautiful and needed to be showcased better. So, I made the decision to get it re-matted and re-framed so that I could properly display it in my apartment. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever image how amazing it would look. I was literally blown away when I picked it up at the framing store tonight. I actually started crying right there in the store. I was just bowled over with emotions. Here's how it looks now.
I hung it up in my apartment as soon as I got home, and immediately felt something. I felt Jason. I felt him here in my apartment for the first time since he was alive and actually here. I feel like I actually have a piece of him here with me now, and it's so incredibly comforting. It's amazing how one thing, one piece of art, can bring so much life, so much feeling into a place.
Anyway, I just had to share his beautiful art with you. I still can't believe that he did it.
Until next time --
Stuart
So, you may have read my earlier posting about spending Christmas with Jason's parents. For a present, they gave me a piece of artwork that Jason did when he was 11 years old (1980). It was done the year I was born - which is creepy and sweet all at the same time. LOL Anyway - it was the most awesome gift I've ever received, and I loved it the instant I opened it. Here's how it looked when I got it:
The frame was very simple, just a wood frame that Jason and his dad had built together. It was very sweet. The matting was clearly just a sheet of paper that had a hole cut out of it. I loved it just the way it was.
But when I got home and it arrived (had to ship it back here), I decided that it was just too beautiful and needed to be showcased better. So, I made the decision to get it re-matted and re-framed so that I could properly display it in my apartment. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever image how amazing it would look. I was literally blown away when I picked it up at the framing store tonight. I actually started crying right there in the store. I was just bowled over with emotions. Here's how it looks now.
I hung it up in my apartment as soon as I got home, and immediately felt something. I felt Jason. I felt him here in my apartment for the first time since he was alive and actually here. I feel like I actually have a piece of him here with me now, and it's so incredibly comforting. It's amazing how one thing, one piece of art, can bring so much life, so much feeling into a place.
Anyway, I just had to share his beautiful art with you. I still can't believe that he did it.
Until next time --
Stuart
Back On The Market
I said it in my last post: 2010 is going to be a year of changes for me. It's going to be a year of picking myself up off the floor, packing away my grief, and moving on. I'm sure some of my friends are already getting tired of me and my new "moving on" mantra, but it's true. I'm making a very conscious effort - like Jason wanted me to - to deal with my grief and pack it away. No, not bury it. Burying it implies that I never dealt with it in the first place. I am dealing with it. I have been dealing with it. I'm not burying it, I'm merely putting it away. I'll still be able to feel it. I'll still know it's there. It just won't fill my entire being like it has these past 8 months.
I took a giganticly huge step in moving on this week. I put myself back out there...back out on the market. It's time. I've greatly missed interacting with another man - on the intimate level. I've missed the excitement, the butterflies of being near someone who I'm attracted to. I've missed the companionship, and frankly...sorry to be so blunt, but damn it, I need to get LAID! LOL I am a man, after all. I have needs. Isn't that what they say?
So, there's this guy. Isn't it fun to start conversations off with that sentence. There's always so much hope and wonder in that one statement. So yeah, there's this guy... Patrick. He and I met online several months ago and have been chatting off and on since then. It was never anything too big until the last couple weeks. Maybe it was my new "moving on" mantra that sparked me to talk more. I don't know. Whatever it was, we started chatting more and more, and then we exchanged phone numbers and took the chatting to a more immediate level. A week later, we decided it was time to meet. We set a date for this past Friday with the intention of having dinner, but he got a little scared and ditched me. I was pretty angry that night, disappointed more than anything. I had psyched myself up so much to be able to do this, and then...nothing.
I ended up having dinner with a friend and going to the movies, so it turned into a pretty great night. I finally heard back from Patrick after midnight. We chatted for a bit and decided to give it one more go on Monday night. However, Sunday night (tonight), I texted to see if he'd be interested in meeting me for coffee, to which he said yes. So, we met, and he was delightful! I had a really good time. We talked, got to know each other... I was wearing my Team Jason hat, and he asked what Team Jason was. I gave him the 2 sentence short version: Jason was my partner who passed away from cancer 8 months ago, and we raised money in his memory for the Light the Night walk. Period. I didn't go into it further, and he didn't ask anything else...and I'm fine with that for now. It's not really first date material anyway.
But the point of this whole story is... I'M DATING AGAIN! And you know, it felt good to be out there with him tonight. Before you judge me and question my love for Jason (as I'm sure a few of you will), let me say this. I'm no where near ready for a full-on relationship. I AM ready to date, though. I'm ready to feel that attraction again. I'm ready for that companionship. I'm ready for the fun, excitement, and drama dating brings to life. I now believe that I can have all of those things without a full-on boyfriend/boyfriend relationship. Well, at least it's worth a try. We'll see what happens.
Until next time --
Stuart
I took a giganticly huge step in moving on this week. I put myself back out there...back out on the market. It's time. I've greatly missed interacting with another man - on the intimate level. I've missed the excitement, the butterflies of being near someone who I'm attracted to. I've missed the companionship, and frankly...sorry to be so blunt, but damn it, I need to get LAID! LOL I am a man, after all. I have needs. Isn't that what they say?
So, there's this guy. Isn't it fun to start conversations off with that sentence. There's always so much hope and wonder in that one statement. So yeah, there's this guy... Patrick. He and I met online several months ago and have been chatting off and on since then. It was never anything too big until the last couple weeks. Maybe it was my new "moving on" mantra that sparked me to talk more. I don't know. Whatever it was, we started chatting more and more, and then we exchanged phone numbers and took the chatting to a more immediate level. A week later, we decided it was time to meet. We set a date for this past Friday with the intention of having dinner, but he got a little scared and ditched me. I was pretty angry that night, disappointed more than anything. I had psyched myself up so much to be able to do this, and then...nothing.
I ended up having dinner with a friend and going to the movies, so it turned into a pretty great night. I finally heard back from Patrick after midnight. We chatted for a bit and decided to give it one more go on Monday night. However, Sunday night (tonight), I texted to see if he'd be interested in meeting me for coffee, to which he said yes. So, we met, and he was delightful! I had a really good time. We talked, got to know each other... I was wearing my Team Jason hat, and he asked what Team Jason was. I gave him the 2 sentence short version: Jason was my partner who passed away from cancer 8 months ago, and we raised money in his memory for the Light the Night walk. Period. I didn't go into it further, and he didn't ask anything else...and I'm fine with that for now. It's not really first date material anyway.
But the point of this whole story is... I'M DATING AGAIN! And you know, it felt good to be out there with him tonight. Before you judge me and question my love for Jason (as I'm sure a few of you will), let me say this. I'm no where near ready for a full-on relationship. I AM ready to date, though. I'm ready to feel that attraction again. I'm ready for that companionship. I'm ready for the fun, excitement, and drama dating brings to life. I now believe that I can have all of those things without a full-on boyfriend/boyfriend relationship. Well, at least it's worth a try. We'll see what happens.
Until next time --
Stuart
Monday, January 4, 2010
Taking Steps in 2010
Happy New Year to you all. I hope everyone had fun ringing in the New Year and that you've all recovered from that fun. Me...it took about 2 full days before I felt like myself again. Gawd I LOVE New Years! LOL
So, I made a decision today as 2010 gets underway. I decided that it's time to not live my life based on my grief. I'm going to regain control of my life and slowly begin to pack my grief into the box that it will stay in for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to "toss" my grief away. I'll always carry it with me forever, but in my heart, I know it's time to start packing it away.
When I returned to work after Jason's death, my first order of business when I signed onto my computer was to place his picture on my desktop, so that every morning when I signed in, I would see his face. It's been that way for the last seven months. Today, I took it off. No longer will I be greeted by his smiling face on my computer. It felt weird, but I felt like it was a necessary step. I have a feeling there will be times when I put the picture back on there for a time here and a time there. I'm ok with that. I'll allow myself to do that. But, in the long run, the picture will be gone.
This evening, when I came home, I took one more step...a similar one on my personal computer. Since his death, I've had the same screen saver... a slideshow of pictures of Jason. His face parades across the screen in various snapshots. They'll sometimes catch my eye when I'm watching TV and it's almost like I just saw him sitting next to me. Tonight, no more. The screen saver has been changed. I've let go a little more.
To be honest with you, the actions I took today were actually a little empowering. I don't look at it like I was removing Jason from my life. I look at it like I'm taking control of my grief and not letting it control me. Two small steps, but those will lead to bigger ones. Jason's name is still in my IM messenger list. Jason's "card" is still in my contacts list. His phone number is still in my cell phone (this will be the hardest to do). Those are each another step that I'll be taking over the next few months in my promise to myself to get control back.
I'm setting the one year anniversary as my goal to gain control. I feel like if I can get to that point and I have full control, I'll be doing good. I think I'll fall back a little after that last "first", but if I'm as far ahead as I want to be, I think I'll be able to pick myself up quicker. This is the producer side of me taking over. I'm producing my way through my grief up until May 28, 2010, and then I'll allow for some backwards movement. I think it's a good plan. You may disagree, but this is how I have to move forward. 2010 is going to be about moving forward. I refuse to look back. Jason wouldn't want me to, and frankly, I don't want me to.
Until next time --
Stuart
So, I made a decision today as 2010 gets underway. I decided that it's time to not live my life based on my grief. I'm going to regain control of my life and slowly begin to pack my grief into the box that it will stay in for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to "toss" my grief away. I'll always carry it with me forever, but in my heart, I know it's time to start packing it away.
When I returned to work after Jason's death, my first order of business when I signed onto my computer was to place his picture on my desktop, so that every morning when I signed in, I would see his face. It's been that way for the last seven months. Today, I took it off. No longer will I be greeted by his smiling face on my computer. It felt weird, but I felt like it was a necessary step. I have a feeling there will be times when I put the picture back on there for a time here and a time there. I'm ok with that. I'll allow myself to do that. But, in the long run, the picture will be gone.
This evening, when I came home, I took one more step...a similar one on my personal computer. Since his death, I've had the same screen saver... a slideshow of pictures of Jason. His face parades across the screen in various snapshots. They'll sometimes catch my eye when I'm watching TV and it's almost like I just saw him sitting next to me. Tonight, no more. The screen saver has been changed. I've let go a little more.
To be honest with you, the actions I took today were actually a little empowering. I don't look at it like I was removing Jason from my life. I look at it like I'm taking control of my grief and not letting it control me. Two small steps, but those will lead to bigger ones. Jason's name is still in my IM messenger list. Jason's "card" is still in my contacts list. His phone number is still in my cell phone (this will be the hardest to do). Those are each another step that I'll be taking over the next few months in my promise to myself to get control back.
I'm setting the one year anniversary as my goal to gain control. I feel like if I can get to that point and I have full control, I'll be doing good. I think I'll fall back a little after that last "first", but if I'm as far ahead as I want to be, I think I'll be able to pick myself up quicker. This is the producer side of me taking over. I'm producing my way through my grief up until May 28, 2010, and then I'll allow for some backwards movement. I think it's a good plan. You may disagree, but this is how I have to move forward. 2010 is going to be about moving forward. I refuse to look back. Jason wouldn't want me to, and frankly, I don't want me to.
Until next time --
Stuart
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