Happy New Year to you all. I hope everyone had fun ringing in the New Year and that you've all recovered from that fun. Me...it took about 2 full days before I felt like myself again. Gawd I LOVE New Years! LOL
So, I made a decision today as 2010 gets underway. I decided that it's time to not live my life based on my grief. I'm going to regain control of my life and slowly begin to pack my grief into the box that it will stay in for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to "toss" my grief away. I'll always carry it with me forever, but in my heart, I know it's time to start packing it away.
When I returned to work after Jason's death, my first order of business when I signed onto my computer was to place his picture on my desktop, so that every morning when I signed in, I would see his face. It's been that way for the last seven months. Today, I took it off. No longer will I be greeted by his smiling face on my computer. It felt weird, but I felt like it was a necessary step. I have a feeling there will be times when I put the picture back on there for a time here and a time there. I'm ok with that. I'll allow myself to do that. But, in the long run, the picture will be gone.
This evening, when I came home, I took one more step...a similar one on my personal computer. Since his death, I've had the same screen saver... a slideshow of pictures of Jason. His face parades across the screen in various snapshots. They'll sometimes catch my eye when I'm watching TV and it's almost like I just saw him sitting next to me. Tonight, no more. The screen saver has been changed. I've let go a little more.
To be honest with you, the actions I took today were actually a little empowering. I don't look at it like I was removing Jason from my life. I look at it like I'm taking control of my grief and not letting it control me. Two small steps, but those will lead to bigger ones. Jason's name is still in my IM messenger list. Jason's "card" is still in my contacts list. His phone number is still in my cell phone (this will be the hardest to do). Those are each another step that I'll be taking over the next few months in my promise to myself to get control back.
I'm setting the one year anniversary as my goal to gain control. I feel like if I can get to that point and I have full control, I'll be doing good. I think I'll fall back a little after that last "first", but if I'm as far ahead as I want to be, I think I'll be able to pick myself up quicker. This is the producer side of me taking over. I'm producing my way through my grief up until May 28, 2010, and then I'll allow for some backwards movement. I think it's a good plan. You may disagree, but this is how I have to move forward. 2010 is going to be about moving forward. I refuse to look back. Jason wouldn't want me to, and frankly, I don't want me to.
Until next time --
Stuart
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I think that sounds like a great plan! You made so much progress today! I am inspired by you and know that I too can get to that point...maybe a few months down the road. Everyday that passes, I feel like I get stronger and am better able to deal with the dark days thanks to you and my faith in Gods plan for my life. You are amazing my friend.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Casey
good job, friend. obviously we all chose a different way to mourn, but i think setting small goals and having a plan is really important- as long as you dont hold yourself to the deadlines TOO strictly! ive found its easiest to allow yourself those backsteps if you have to, im glad you recognize that as well.
ReplyDeletei think 2010 is going to be a big year for all of us, thanks for sharing.
xo