Just Another Day

January 28th.  Thursday.  8 months ago, on a Thursday, my love took his last breath.  It's been 8 months.  Incredible to me that so much time has passed, yet it still seems like yesterday.

Last month on this date, I blogged about wanting to feel like the 28th was just another day.  This month, I got my wish...mostly.  I woke up this morning without a thought about what today's date meant.  That's not to say I didn't think about Jason.  Quite the contrary.  I just didn't recognize what the date was.  I went about my day - my horrible day for that matter - without giving the date a thought.  I looked at the calendar a hundred times today, but never once did I recognize today's date.

It wasn't until I was on my way home tonight...trying to forget about my horrible day that I realized the date.  In fact, I was sitting in front of Jason's former home... what was to be my future home... when I realized it was the 28th.  I decided on my way home that I wanted to go to the house.  I had such an awful day that I just needed to be close to Jason...in some form.  I drove directly to the house, and within seconds of sitting there looking at it...lights on inside....blinds closed...did I realize that today is in fact the 28th.  My heart skipped a beat.  How could I not notice it before now?  I guess I got my wish.

It made me sad for a few moments, but then I decided that I didn't need to be sad about the fact that I "forgot" about the date.  It's all part of the process.  I'm tired of marking the darkest day.  Instead, I want to mark the happier ones.  I don't want to think about the day he died anymore.  I don't want to feel guilty for not remembering the day he died.  I'm done with feeling guilty about it.

I'm making a promise to myself for the next 3 months.  I will not allow myself to get "memorialize" the 28th until May when it hits 1 year.  That's a milestone I'll recognize.  Until then, March 28th and April 28th (there's no Feb 28th...i'm lucky) will just be days on the calendar.  They won't mean anything.  That's something I've gotta do for me.  We'll see how it goes.

Until next time --
Stuart