I did something tonight I haven't done in months...possibly even years. I turned off my television after dinner, turned on some music, and curled up with a new book. I purchased Mitch Albom's latest book "Have A Little Faith" and decided I would read the entire thing tonight. And I did. Four hours and 249 pages. I couldn't put it down.
The book is about Mitch's childhood Rabbi and a request his rabbi has after services one Sunday. The rabbi asks Mitch to do the eulogy at his funeral. Mitch, of course, thinks that it's coming sooner rather than later, but decides he needs to get to know the Rabbi as a man, not just a "Man of G-d". He proceeds to visit him and writes about his visits...just like he did in "Tuesdays With Morrie" (though these meetings were usually on Sunday).
There were many interesting discussions in this book about the Jewish faith, and just faith in general. There were many things that made me question why I've turned away from my heritage and discounted the idea that I'll ever be a "good Jew". But there was one particular section that made me think...about Jason. Mitch asked the Rabbi why people fear death. He answers that we fear death because of the unknown...what's on the other side of life. But he says there's something bigger than that that has people afraid to die. It's the fear of being forgotten: The Second Death.
Albom lays it out, and it's quite true what he says. Yes, people do live on through memories, but eventually we will all go through a second death. Eventually, the stories about us, the memories carried on about us will die with those who've carried them. Eventually, those memories will cease to exist and we will be gone, again. But, is that something to be feared, or something to be accepted as part of the circle of life? That section made me stop for a few minutes and consider Jason, his life, and what's happened since his death.
Jason never knew the impact he had on others. In fact, there were many times when someone tried to pay him a compliment and he'd brush it aside or pass the buck to someone else. I wonder if on some subconscious level, he was letting those accolades linger so that they'd hang around long after he was gone. Either way, his memory is very much still alive today nearly 8 months after he died. It will be many years before Jason's second death occurs. I'll see to that myself.
But then, I started thinking beyond Jason...to myself. I wondered how long it would between my first death and my second death. What would I be remembered for, and by whom? I know only time will tell, but I suppose it's up to me to make sure that no matter how long I live that my life has at least some sort of impact on those around me. Jason did it without knowing he needed to...or maybe he did. I don't know.
What I do know is that when the time comes for me to cross over, Jason will meet me there and my first order of business will be to hug him...a hug for every day we haven't been able to hug. If I play my cards right, that'll be a lot of hugs. It'll be worth it. He gave good hug.
Until next time --
Stuart
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
A Piece Of Art, A Piece of Jason
I am on cloud nine right now! I'm so excited. Something happened tonight, and I actually feel like I have a piece of Jason back with me. I actually feel him here. It's INCREDIBLE.
So, you may have read my earlier posting about spending Christmas with Jason's parents. For a present, they gave me a piece of artwork that Jason did when he was 11 years old (1980). It was done the year I was born - which is creepy and sweet all at the same time. LOL Anyway - it was the most awesome gift I've ever received, and I loved it the instant I opened it. Here's how it looked when I got it:
The frame was very simple, just a wood frame that Jason and his dad had built together. It was very sweet. The matting was clearly just a sheet of paper that had a hole cut out of it. I loved it just the way it was.
But when I got home and it arrived (had to ship it back here), I decided that it was just too beautiful and needed to be showcased better. So, I made the decision to get it re-matted and re-framed so that I could properly display it in my apartment. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever image how amazing it would look. I was literally blown away when I picked it up at the framing store tonight. I actually started crying right there in the store. I was just bowled over with emotions. Here's how it looks now.
I hung it up in my apartment as soon as I got home, and immediately felt something. I felt Jason. I felt him here in my apartment for the first time since he was alive and actually here. I feel like I actually have a piece of him here with me now, and it's so incredibly comforting. It's amazing how one thing, one piece of art, can bring so much life, so much feeling into a place.
Anyway, I just had to share his beautiful art with you. I still can't believe that he did it.
Until next time --
Stuart
So, you may have read my earlier posting about spending Christmas with Jason's parents. For a present, they gave me a piece of artwork that Jason did when he was 11 years old (1980). It was done the year I was born - which is creepy and sweet all at the same time. LOL Anyway - it was the most awesome gift I've ever received, and I loved it the instant I opened it. Here's how it looked when I got it:
The frame was very simple, just a wood frame that Jason and his dad had built together. It was very sweet. The matting was clearly just a sheet of paper that had a hole cut out of it. I loved it just the way it was.
But when I got home and it arrived (had to ship it back here), I decided that it was just too beautiful and needed to be showcased better. So, I made the decision to get it re-matted and re-framed so that I could properly display it in my apartment. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever image how amazing it would look. I was literally blown away when I picked it up at the framing store tonight. I actually started crying right there in the store. I was just bowled over with emotions. Here's how it looks now.
I hung it up in my apartment as soon as I got home, and immediately felt something. I felt Jason. I felt him here in my apartment for the first time since he was alive and actually here. I feel like I actually have a piece of him here with me now, and it's so incredibly comforting. It's amazing how one thing, one piece of art, can bring so much life, so much feeling into a place.
Anyway, I just had to share his beautiful art with you. I still can't believe that he did it.
Until next time --
Stuart
Back On The Market
I said it in my last post: 2010 is going to be a year of changes for me. It's going to be a year of picking myself up off the floor, packing away my grief, and moving on. I'm sure some of my friends are already getting tired of me and my new "moving on" mantra, but it's true. I'm making a very conscious effort - like Jason wanted me to - to deal with my grief and pack it away. No, not bury it. Burying it implies that I never dealt with it in the first place. I am dealing with it. I have been dealing with it. I'm not burying it, I'm merely putting it away. I'll still be able to feel it. I'll still know it's there. It just won't fill my entire being like it has these past 8 months.
I took a giganticly huge step in moving on this week. I put myself back out there...back out on the market. It's time. I've greatly missed interacting with another man - on the intimate level. I've missed the excitement, the butterflies of being near someone who I'm attracted to. I've missed the companionship, and frankly...sorry to be so blunt, but damn it, I need to get LAID! LOL I am a man, after all. I have needs. Isn't that what they say?
So, there's this guy. Isn't it fun to start conversations off with that sentence. There's always so much hope and wonder in that one statement. So yeah, there's this guy... Patrick. He and I met online several months ago and have been chatting off and on since then. It was never anything too big until the last couple weeks. Maybe it was my new "moving on" mantra that sparked me to talk more. I don't know. Whatever it was, we started chatting more and more, and then we exchanged phone numbers and took the chatting to a more immediate level. A week later, we decided it was time to meet. We set a date for this past Friday with the intention of having dinner, but he got a little scared and ditched me. I was pretty angry that night, disappointed more than anything. I had psyched myself up so much to be able to do this, and then...nothing.
I ended up having dinner with a friend and going to the movies, so it turned into a pretty great night. I finally heard back from Patrick after midnight. We chatted for a bit and decided to give it one more go on Monday night. However, Sunday night (tonight), I texted to see if he'd be interested in meeting me for coffee, to which he said yes. So, we met, and he was delightful! I had a really good time. We talked, got to know each other... I was wearing my Team Jason hat, and he asked what Team Jason was. I gave him the 2 sentence short version: Jason was my partner who passed away from cancer 8 months ago, and we raised money in his memory for the Light the Night walk. Period. I didn't go into it further, and he didn't ask anything else...and I'm fine with that for now. It's not really first date material anyway.
But the point of this whole story is... I'M DATING AGAIN! And you know, it felt good to be out there with him tonight. Before you judge me and question my love for Jason (as I'm sure a few of you will), let me say this. I'm no where near ready for a full-on relationship. I AM ready to date, though. I'm ready to feel that attraction again. I'm ready for that companionship. I'm ready for the fun, excitement, and drama dating brings to life. I now believe that I can have all of those things without a full-on boyfriend/boyfriend relationship. Well, at least it's worth a try. We'll see what happens.
Until next time --
Stuart
I took a giganticly huge step in moving on this week. I put myself back out there...back out on the market. It's time. I've greatly missed interacting with another man - on the intimate level. I've missed the excitement, the butterflies of being near someone who I'm attracted to. I've missed the companionship, and frankly...sorry to be so blunt, but damn it, I need to get LAID! LOL I am a man, after all. I have needs. Isn't that what they say?
So, there's this guy. Isn't it fun to start conversations off with that sentence. There's always so much hope and wonder in that one statement. So yeah, there's this guy... Patrick. He and I met online several months ago and have been chatting off and on since then. It was never anything too big until the last couple weeks. Maybe it was my new "moving on" mantra that sparked me to talk more. I don't know. Whatever it was, we started chatting more and more, and then we exchanged phone numbers and took the chatting to a more immediate level. A week later, we decided it was time to meet. We set a date for this past Friday with the intention of having dinner, but he got a little scared and ditched me. I was pretty angry that night, disappointed more than anything. I had psyched myself up so much to be able to do this, and then...nothing.
I ended up having dinner with a friend and going to the movies, so it turned into a pretty great night. I finally heard back from Patrick after midnight. We chatted for a bit and decided to give it one more go on Monday night. However, Sunday night (tonight), I texted to see if he'd be interested in meeting me for coffee, to which he said yes. So, we met, and he was delightful! I had a really good time. We talked, got to know each other... I was wearing my Team Jason hat, and he asked what Team Jason was. I gave him the 2 sentence short version: Jason was my partner who passed away from cancer 8 months ago, and we raised money in his memory for the Light the Night walk. Period. I didn't go into it further, and he didn't ask anything else...and I'm fine with that for now. It's not really first date material anyway.
But the point of this whole story is... I'M DATING AGAIN! And you know, it felt good to be out there with him tonight. Before you judge me and question my love for Jason (as I'm sure a few of you will), let me say this. I'm no where near ready for a full-on relationship. I AM ready to date, though. I'm ready to feel that attraction again. I'm ready for that companionship. I'm ready for the fun, excitement, and drama dating brings to life. I now believe that I can have all of those things without a full-on boyfriend/boyfriend relationship. Well, at least it's worth a try. We'll see what happens.
Until next time --
Stuart
Monday, January 4, 2010
Taking Steps in 2010
Happy New Year to you all. I hope everyone had fun ringing in the New Year and that you've all recovered from that fun. Me...it took about 2 full days before I felt like myself again. Gawd I LOVE New Years! LOL
So, I made a decision today as 2010 gets underway. I decided that it's time to not live my life based on my grief. I'm going to regain control of my life and slowly begin to pack my grief into the box that it will stay in for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to "toss" my grief away. I'll always carry it with me forever, but in my heart, I know it's time to start packing it away.
When I returned to work after Jason's death, my first order of business when I signed onto my computer was to place his picture on my desktop, so that every morning when I signed in, I would see his face. It's been that way for the last seven months. Today, I took it off. No longer will I be greeted by his smiling face on my computer. It felt weird, but I felt like it was a necessary step. I have a feeling there will be times when I put the picture back on there for a time here and a time there. I'm ok with that. I'll allow myself to do that. But, in the long run, the picture will be gone.
This evening, when I came home, I took one more step...a similar one on my personal computer. Since his death, I've had the same screen saver... a slideshow of pictures of Jason. His face parades across the screen in various snapshots. They'll sometimes catch my eye when I'm watching TV and it's almost like I just saw him sitting next to me. Tonight, no more. The screen saver has been changed. I've let go a little more.
To be honest with you, the actions I took today were actually a little empowering. I don't look at it like I was removing Jason from my life. I look at it like I'm taking control of my grief and not letting it control me. Two small steps, but those will lead to bigger ones. Jason's name is still in my IM messenger list. Jason's "card" is still in my contacts list. His phone number is still in my cell phone (this will be the hardest to do). Those are each another step that I'll be taking over the next few months in my promise to myself to get control back.
I'm setting the one year anniversary as my goal to gain control. I feel like if I can get to that point and I have full control, I'll be doing good. I think I'll fall back a little after that last "first", but if I'm as far ahead as I want to be, I think I'll be able to pick myself up quicker. This is the producer side of me taking over. I'm producing my way through my grief up until May 28, 2010, and then I'll allow for some backwards movement. I think it's a good plan. You may disagree, but this is how I have to move forward. 2010 is going to be about moving forward. I refuse to look back. Jason wouldn't want me to, and frankly, I don't want me to.
Until next time --
Stuart
So, I made a decision today as 2010 gets underway. I decided that it's time to not live my life based on my grief. I'm going to regain control of my life and slowly begin to pack my grief into the box that it will stay in for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to "toss" my grief away. I'll always carry it with me forever, but in my heart, I know it's time to start packing it away.
When I returned to work after Jason's death, my first order of business when I signed onto my computer was to place his picture on my desktop, so that every morning when I signed in, I would see his face. It's been that way for the last seven months. Today, I took it off. No longer will I be greeted by his smiling face on my computer. It felt weird, but I felt like it was a necessary step. I have a feeling there will be times when I put the picture back on there for a time here and a time there. I'm ok with that. I'll allow myself to do that. But, in the long run, the picture will be gone.
This evening, when I came home, I took one more step...a similar one on my personal computer. Since his death, I've had the same screen saver... a slideshow of pictures of Jason. His face parades across the screen in various snapshots. They'll sometimes catch my eye when I'm watching TV and it's almost like I just saw him sitting next to me. Tonight, no more. The screen saver has been changed. I've let go a little more.
To be honest with you, the actions I took today were actually a little empowering. I don't look at it like I was removing Jason from my life. I look at it like I'm taking control of my grief and not letting it control me. Two small steps, but those will lead to bigger ones. Jason's name is still in my IM messenger list. Jason's "card" is still in my contacts list. His phone number is still in my cell phone (this will be the hardest to do). Those are each another step that I'll be taking over the next few months in my promise to myself to get control back.
I'm setting the one year anniversary as my goal to gain control. I feel like if I can get to that point and I have full control, I'll be doing good. I think I'll fall back a little after that last "first", but if I'm as far ahead as I want to be, I think I'll be able to pick myself up quicker. This is the producer side of me taking over. I'm producing my way through my grief up until May 28, 2010, and then I'll allow for some backwards movement. I think it's a good plan. You may disagree, but this is how I have to move forward. 2010 is going to be about moving forward. I refuse to look back. Jason wouldn't want me to, and frankly, I don't want me to.
Until next time --
Stuart
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Goodbye and Good Riddance to 2009
It's finally over. This incredibly difficult, awful, sad year is finally drawing to a close. I never thought it would end. But, in the same breath, I can't believe it's actually ending so soon. Weird...I know.
Last year at this time, I was sitting at home with Jason. He had just gone through surgery to remove the tumor, so we had just gotten home from the hospital a few days before this and we were very much in a celebratory mood. Because of the surgery, though, we couldn't really do much for NYE other than stay at home. We went shopping for some appetizer items and then had a few friends over to ring in the new year. It was a quiet affair, but a wonderful one nonetheless. My favorite part...kissing those beautiful lips at the stroke of midnight.
That's why my heart hurts today...still 14 hours before the new year. I won't be able to kiss that beautiful man this year at the stroke of midnight. I won't be able to feel his arms around me as we hug and hope for good things in the coming year. That first hug and kiss ringing in 2009 had so much hope surrounding it. 2009 was supposed to be OUR year. It was supposed to be the year that our relationship blossomed. It was supposed to be the year that we merged our lives into one. It was supposed to be the year that he beat cancer. Our relationship did blossum, but we were just a week shy of merging our lives into one before cancer beat him. I guess one out of three is better than none. But, it's just not fair.
2009 held a few good things, though, that shouldn't go unnoticed. It was definitely a big award-winning year. I won an Emmy Award, an Edward R. Murrow Award, a National Headliner Award, and a few other small ones. We raised $11,000 for TEAM JASON and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society becoming the #1 team in Dallas and #3 team in the state. We're already close to $10,000 ahead of the game for 2010! My station won it's first ever 10pm ratings period in November...which I'm extremely proud to be a part of. It's a pretty great accomplishment when you consider where we were a year ago.
I've met some incredible people throughout this year. Most of them are in the cancer world, and have been a huge support to me through all of this. A few of them, fellow widows, have become a truly amazing friends in a very short amount of time. One of them says I was placed in her life for a reason, but I think the same can be said for her in my life. I'm extremely thankful to have their support on this journey, and I think that's one of my greatest things of 2009.
So, as we count down to 2010 tonight, I will take a few moments to remember, but only a few moments. New Year's Eve is all about looking forward to the year to come...not about where you've been. I want to remember where I've been, but I also want to hold my head high and be filled with hope that 2010 is going to be the GREAT year that I deserve. I'm turning 30 in 2010. I hope to land a new job in 2010. TEAM JASON will be more successful in 2010. I'll get my passport in 2010, and finally take that trip to London I've always wanted to do. I'm going to spend more time for ME in 2010...something I haven't done in many, many years.
My friends, I wish you all the best for 2010. I know many of you reading this have had rough years in 2009. But, let's rejoice together tonight...knowing that there's only good things ahead of us. Be safe tonight in whatever you do and start 2010 off right!
I love you all.
Happy New Year --
Stuart
Last year at this time, I was sitting at home with Jason. He had just gone through surgery to remove the tumor, so we had just gotten home from the hospital a few days before this and we were very much in a celebratory mood. Because of the surgery, though, we couldn't really do much for NYE other than stay at home. We went shopping for some appetizer items and then had a few friends over to ring in the new year. It was a quiet affair, but a wonderful one nonetheless. My favorite part...kissing those beautiful lips at the stroke of midnight.
That's why my heart hurts today...still 14 hours before the new year. I won't be able to kiss that beautiful man this year at the stroke of midnight. I won't be able to feel his arms around me as we hug and hope for good things in the coming year. That first hug and kiss ringing in 2009 had so much hope surrounding it. 2009 was supposed to be OUR year. It was supposed to be the year that our relationship blossomed. It was supposed to be the year that we merged our lives into one. It was supposed to be the year that he beat cancer. Our relationship did blossum, but we were just a week shy of merging our lives into one before cancer beat him. I guess one out of three is better than none. But, it's just not fair.
2009 held a few good things, though, that shouldn't go unnoticed. It was definitely a big award-winning year. I won an Emmy Award, an Edward R. Murrow Award, a National Headliner Award, and a few other small ones. We raised $11,000 for TEAM JASON and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society becoming the #1 team in Dallas and #3 team in the state. We're already close to $10,000 ahead of the game for 2010! My station won it's first ever 10pm ratings period in November...which I'm extremely proud to be a part of. It's a pretty great accomplishment when you consider where we were a year ago.
I've met some incredible people throughout this year. Most of them are in the cancer world, and have been a huge support to me through all of this. A few of them, fellow widows, have become a truly amazing friends in a very short amount of time. One of them says I was placed in her life for a reason, but I think the same can be said for her in my life. I'm extremely thankful to have their support on this journey, and I think that's one of my greatest things of 2009.
So, as we count down to 2010 tonight, I will take a few moments to remember, but only a few moments. New Year's Eve is all about looking forward to the year to come...not about where you've been. I want to remember where I've been, but I also want to hold my head high and be filled with hope that 2010 is going to be the GREAT year that I deserve. I'm turning 30 in 2010. I hope to land a new job in 2010. TEAM JASON will be more successful in 2010. I'll get my passport in 2010, and finally take that trip to London I've always wanted to do. I'm going to spend more time for ME in 2010...something I haven't done in many, many years.
My friends, I wish you all the best for 2010. I know many of you reading this have had rough years in 2009. But, let's rejoice together tonight...knowing that there's only good things ahead of us. Be safe tonight in whatever you do and start 2010 off right!
I love you all.
Happy New Year --
Stuart
Monday, December 28, 2009
My Relationship With Grief
I learned a little bit about my relationship with grief tonight. It's something that I didn't know I knew, but in talking with my friend Casey, I realized it.
Five minutes from now, it will be December 28th. It will be 7 months to the day that Jason passed away. However, until 3 hours ago when I was reminded what tomorrow's date meant, I didn't think of tomorrow as anything but Monday. The date didn't occur to me, and I didn't think about the significance of the 28th. I'm sure it would've hit me at some point when I saw the date written down on an email or something. But, it struck me that I hadn't been obsessing about the date like I have all previous 28ths since May.
It made me think about grief like a budding relationship. You know when you first start a relationship, you're so excited that you count all the little anniversaries for a while. You count the weeks, then the first few months. But, by six months, you kind of lose track and after that, the only anniversaries that really matter are the years. I feel like that's the way I am with grief now. We had a new relationship that started on May 28th. You can even see in my first blogs that I tracked it by weeks, then by months. It kinda fits.
I guess this means that I'm becoming comfortable in my relationship with grief. Perhaps the "honeymoon period" we all go through in new relationships is over. Now we can get down to the nitty gritty of our relationship and find out what makes each other truly tick. That will help when it comes time to sever ties and break it off...whenever that may happen. Knowing your enemy inside and out only makes you smarter and stronger to kill it.
I told Casey tonight that I'm tired of living my life from 28th to 28th. For once, I just want the 28th to be another day...not the date that marks the anniversary of the darkest time in my life. I didn't forget about that date. Last week, it was staring at me from my calendar, and I made sure that I booked the day up full of work so I would keep my mind occupied. To me on the outside, it's going to be like any other day. On the inside, though, I'll know.
Until next time --
Stuart
Five minutes from now, it will be December 28th. It will be 7 months to the day that Jason passed away. However, until 3 hours ago when I was reminded what tomorrow's date meant, I didn't think of tomorrow as anything but Monday. The date didn't occur to me, and I didn't think about the significance of the 28th. I'm sure it would've hit me at some point when I saw the date written down on an email or something. But, it struck me that I hadn't been obsessing about the date like I have all previous 28ths since May.
It made me think about grief like a budding relationship. You know when you first start a relationship, you're so excited that you count all the little anniversaries for a while. You count the weeks, then the first few months. But, by six months, you kind of lose track and after that, the only anniversaries that really matter are the years. I feel like that's the way I am with grief now. We had a new relationship that started on May 28th. You can even see in my first blogs that I tracked it by weeks, then by months. It kinda fits.
I guess this means that I'm becoming comfortable in my relationship with grief. Perhaps the "honeymoon period" we all go through in new relationships is over. Now we can get down to the nitty gritty of our relationship and find out what makes each other truly tick. That will help when it comes time to sever ties and break it off...whenever that may happen. Knowing your enemy inside and out only makes you smarter and stronger to kill it.
I told Casey tonight that I'm tired of living my life from 28th to 28th. For once, I just want the 28th to be another day...not the date that marks the anniversary of the darkest time in my life. I didn't forget about that date. Last week, it was staring at me from my calendar, and I made sure that I booked the day up full of work so I would keep my mind occupied. To me on the outside, it's going to be like any other day. On the inside, though, I'll know.
Until next time --
Stuart
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas Day Has Come And Gone
Well, it came, and now it's gone...almost. There's still a few hours left.
It was Christmas Day like none of us ever wanted to spend. Together...without Jason. We all woke up with a timid feeling about the day. Its tradition for the Harmons to break open the stockings first thing, and then enjoy eggs benedict for breakfast, followed by a hurried opening of the rest of the presents. So we did everything according to plan.
In my stocking - which was Jason's stocking, by the way - were two frogs (Jane knows the significance...since the medium talked about frogs), and a couple other various things. I should also note that as we were opening our stockings, there was music in the background. And lo and behold, what should come on? FELIZ NAVIDAD. I announced to the others that Jason was most definitely here with us.
Breakfast was delicious, and then it was time for presents. I had already given mine. I paid for the framing of the Team Jason shirt autographed by the Ugly Betty staff. I also created a photo book of Team Jason at the Light The Night Walk. In return, I received two very sentimental things. One of them was a beautiful figurine called "Heart of Gold". It's a little boy holding a heart of gold close to his chest. The saying attached to it says "You will always have my heart." I, of course, burst into tears after I was told that this was from Jason. Of course, it wasn't REALLY from Jason, but that didn't matter. It was from him. The second present that sent me into a tizzy is probably the most thoughtful gift I've ever received. It's a beautiful drawing/painting of a ship that Jason did himself back in 1980 - the year I was born. He would've been 10 or 11 at the time. At the bottom, it even says "Jason '80". I'll attach a picture below.
Holding this piece of art, this thing that he created with his own two hands was just the icing on the cake. And what's funny - I received a message the day before from my widow-friend Casey who had received a piece of art from her dead husband's family that he had drawn in grade school. I think it's incredible that we both received these gifts. And what's even weirder...is that in my session with the medium, she brought up receiving art, seeing art, and having art. I wonder if that's what all of this meant now. Something to ponder, I suppose.
Anyway, after the last presents were opened, we relaxed and cleaned up a bit. Ron and I decided to venture over to the cemetery to see Jason. Jane stayed behind. She couldn't handle it. Ron and I stood there at his grave and both of us were overcome with emotion. On this holiday he loved so much, it felt incredibly sad that he was not there with us in the flesh. After a short time, we retreated to the car and sat there for a moment trying to regain our composures. However, not 1 minute after arriving back at the house, I was sobbing in the arms of Jason's mother screaming "It's just not fair!" I quickly calmed down after realizing it was not in good form to be standing in this woman's kitchen bawling my eyes out on her shoulder. This was her son, after all. She should be the one using MY shoulder...which she did later.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. It's now 10pm, and we're all in our respective rooms getting ready for bed. I leave here tomorrow afternoon (hopefully with all this crappy weather). It'll be a bittersweet goodbye. I've had a wonderful time here this trip, but I probably won't be back here until the end of May to observe the 1 year anniversary. Hard to believe that's just 5 months away. It's quite amazing how fast time goes by. Quite sad, too.
Until next time --
Stuart
Here's the picture of Jason's artwork:
It was Christmas Day like none of us ever wanted to spend. Together...without Jason. We all woke up with a timid feeling about the day. Its tradition for the Harmons to break open the stockings first thing, and then enjoy eggs benedict for breakfast, followed by a hurried opening of the rest of the presents. So we did everything according to plan.
In my stocking - which was Jason's stocking, by the way - were two frogs (Jane knows the significance...since the medium talked about frogs), and a couple other various things. I should also note that as we were opening our stockings, there was music in the background. And lo and behold, what should come on? FELIZ NAVIDAD. I announced to the others that Jason was most definitely here with us.
Breakfast was delicious, and then it was time for presents. I had already given mine. I paid for the framing of the Team Jason shirt autographed by the Ugly Betty staff. I also created a photo book of Team Jason at the Light The Night Walk. In return, I received two very sentimental things. One of them was a beautiful figurine called "Heart of Gold". It's a little boy holding a heart of gold close to his chest. The saying attached to it says "You will always have my heart." I, of course, burst into tears after I was told that this was from Jason. Of course, it wasn't REALLY from Jason, but that didn't matter. It was from him. The second present that sent me into a tizzy is probably the most thoughtful gift I've ever received. It's a beautiful drawing/painting of a ship that Jason did himself back in 1980 - the year I was born. He would've been 10 or 11 at the time. At the bottom, it even says "Jason '80". I'll attach a picture below.
Holding this piece of art, this thing that he created with his own two hands was just the icing on the cake. And what's funny - I received a message the day before from my widow-friend Casey who had received a piece of art from her dead husband's family that he had drawn in grade school. I think it's incredible that we both received these gifts. And what's even weirder...is that in my session with the medium, she brought up receiving art, seeing art, and having art. I wonder if that's what all of this meant now. Something to ponder, I suppose.
Anyway, after the last presents were opened, we relaxed and cleaned up a bit. Ron and I decided to venture over to the cemetery to see Jason. Jane stayed behind. She couldn't handle it. Ron and I stood there at his grave and both of us were overcome with emotion. On this holiday he loved so much, it felt incredibly sad that he was not there with us in the flesh. After a short time, we retreated to the car and sat there for a moment trying to regain our composures. However, not 1 minute after arriving back at the house, I was sobbing in the arms of Jason's mother screaming "It's just not fair!" I quickly calmed down after realizing it was not in good form to be standing in this woman's kitchen bawling my eyes out on her shoulder. This was her son, after all. She should be the one using MY shoulder...which she did later.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. It's now 10pm, and we're all in our respective rooms getting ready for bed. I leave here tomorrow afternoon (hopefully with all this crappy weather). It'll be a bittersweet goodbye. I've had a wonderful time here this trip, but I probably won't be back here until the end of May to observe the 1 year anniversary. Hard to believe that's just 5 months away. It's quite amazing how fast time goes by. Quite sad, too.
Until next time --
Stuart
Here's the picture of Jason's artwork:
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