My Relationship With Grief

I learned a little bit about my relationship with grief tonight.  It's something that I didn't know I knew, but in talking with my friend Casey, I realized it.

Five minutes from now, it will be December 28th.  It will be 7 months to the day that Jason passed away.  However, until 3 hours ago when I was reminded what tomorrow's date meant, I didn't think of tomorrow as anything but Monday.  The date didn't occur to me, and I didn't think about the significance of the 28th.  I'm sure it would've hit me at some point when I saw the date written down on an email or something.  But, it struck me that I hadn't been obsessing about the date like I have all previous 28ths since May.

It made me think about grief like a budding relationship.  You know when you first start a relationship, you're so excited that you count all the little anniversaries for a while.  You count the weeks, then the first few months.  But, by six months, you kind of lose track and after that, the only anniversaries that really matter are the years.  I feel like that's the way I am with grief now.  We had a new relationship that started on May 28th.  You can even see in my first blogs that I tracked it by weeks, then by months.  It kinda fits.

I guess this means that I'm becoming comfortable in my relationship with grief.  Perhaps the "honeymoon period" we all go through in new relationships is over.  Now we can get down to the nitty gritty of our relationship and find out what makes each other truly tick.  That will help when it comes time to sever ties and break it off...whenever that may happen.  Knowing your enemy inside and out only makes you smarter and stronger to kill it.

I told Casey tonight that I'm tired of living my life from 28th to 28th.  For once, I just want the 28th to be another day...not the date that marks the anniversary of the darkest time in my life.  I didn't forget about that date.  Last week, it was staring at me from my calendar, and I made sure that I booked the day up full of work so I would keep my mind occupied.  To me on the outside, it's going to be like any other day.  On the inside, though, I'll know.

Until next time --
Stuart