When You Least Expect It

Grief comes at you when you least expect it.  I'm a little more than six months out from Jason's death.  There are plenty of days when I go without crying, or even feeling sad.  I stopped feeling guilty about all of that several months ago.  But, just when you think you've got it licked, you let your guard down...and then....BAM!  Grief smacks you back into reality.

I got a big smack tonight from grief...and it hurt something fierce.  I was sitting here watching Brothers and Sisters on ABC.  One of the characters has been battling lymphoma for a while (yeah, of all the cancers a TV character can get...it had to be that one).  Tonight, she learned that her treatments weren't working and that the cancer spread.  But, it wasn't that news that set me off.  Sure, it made me sad, and immediately took me back to March 20th when Jason and I learned that the cancer had exploded all over his body.  But, the smack really came later in the show.

Another character was getting married tonight.  It was the end of the show, everyone was in place, and the guy doing the ceremony got started.  He said that Kitty (the character with lymphoma) was going to read a poem by E. E. Cummings.  I froze.  I immediately looked up and started screaming "DON'T YOU DARE!"  I knew what was about to happen.  Two words in, I completely had a break down.  It was the very poem that I read at the LLS memorial service back in September (read the speech & poem here).  I began crying hysterically, went into convulsions, and then just completely froze.  I'm sure my neighbors thought I was dying down here the way I was carrying on.  I completely lost control of myself and my emotions.  Something else in me just took over.

I cried for 15 minutes straight, and then calmed down.  I was still shaking, though, for some time afterwards.  I was in shock over what had just taken place.  I couldn't believe myself, the way I reacted to that.  I suppose I just needed that cry, and that was the only way it was going to happen.  Once again, grief proved to me that it's still here and it's not going away any time soon.  I suppose I need these subtle (or not so subtle) reminders every now and then.

Seriously...why did SHE have to read THAT poem?  There's no explanation.

Until next time --
Stuart