In A Year...

Have you ever stopped to think what you've done in a year's time?  What have you accomplished in 12 months?  Are you proud of what you've done?  Is there something you wanted to do but didn't get the chance?

As we enter Friday the 21st, I'm left thinking about everything that's happened in the last year...leading up to next Friday - the one year anniversary I've been dreading.  I feel like so much has happened in this last year, but on the other hand...I feel like it's only been a month.  I've read that - for many widow(er)s - the first year after their spouses death is often a blur.  They only do whats necessary to live daily life and get by.

Before Jason died, we had several conversations about what life would be like for me after he was gone.  He was quite concerned (as was I for that matter), that I would lapse into a depression and forget to live.  I had already given up so much to be with him and take care of him, something he scolded me for often.  He was afraid that I would give up even more when he died.

When that day came, I stood at a crossroads.  In one direction, there was sadness, and depression.  I began to take a few steps down that road in the weeks after he died.  But then, something changed in me.  It was like a fog lifted...more like shifted ever so slightly.  I was able to see a glimpse of what lie ahead, and I didn't like it.  I didn't like it because I knew Jason was watching my every move, upset with me because I had promised I wouldn't go down that road.  Things needed to change, and they did.  I slowly worked my way back up to that crossroads and then made a turn went down the other road.

So, looking back... what have I done in the year since I lost the love of my life?  I must say, as I take stock of the last year, I've actually surprised myself a bit.  In June, just weeks after Jason died, I created Team Jason for the Light The Night Walk and over the next 4 months we raised $11,000 for lymphoma research.  In September - four months after he died - I was nominated for an Emmy Award (my 6th nomination), and the next month, I won (my first win).  I carried my Emmy at the Light The Night Walk which was held the very next night.  I traveled to Boston, New York, and San Diego.  I've held down my job and the job of 2 other people singlehandedly, and I've kicked some ass...if I do say so myself.  I bought a boat (half of one, anyway...) and spent a good chunk of last summer on the water.  I decorated my apartment.  I started reading again...a lot.  I started this blog.  I met many amazing people, including two widows that have become very dear friends.  I turned 30...and actually had fun at my party (though my mind did wander to Jason often).

I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of, but hey, looking at that list, I'd say it was a pretty banner year.  Looking at it on "paper", I actually start smiling.  I've really done a lot this year that I'm proud of, maybe even more than I've done in previous years.  So why then, in this week before the devastating anniversary, am I wishing that I could give all of that happiness back for even just one more minute with Jason?  I've said it before, and I'll say it again...  it's just not fair.

Until next time --
Stuart