May 25, 2009

It's Monday, May 25, 2009.  It's Memorial Day, and it's the day when things really started to take a turn.  As I stated yesterday, I normally spend time with my family on Sundays, but this week was different.  Because of the holiday, I had made plans to attend a family bar-b-q at my parents house, and was very much looking forward to getting some time in the pool.  I needed to relax.

Jason woke up in pain that morning... a fair amount of pain.  He always told me he was never afraid of dying.  The only thing he feared was the pain.  He did not want to die in pain.  So, naturally, when I saw that he was having such a hard time, I wanted to do whatever I could to fix it.  He was also continuing to have frequent nose-bleeds, and I knew he desperately needed an infusion of platelets.

Once again, I called our nurse/friend at the hospital and begged to bring him in for some quick treatment.  She finally agreed, and the plan was set in motion.  We helped Jason out to the car and then piled in and headed to the hospital.  Jason was so weak by that point, he was really starting to have trouble walking.  While enroute to the hospital, I called ahead and asked them to meet us downstairs with a wheelchair.  Susan & Kirsten - two of our absolute favorites - met us at the valet entrance.  They helped Jason out and whisked him upstairs to get started while the rest of us parked.

Back on the 5th floor, Jason chose to lay down and selected a room with a bed instead of the regular "chaired" rooms.  They hooked him up to fluids, and got the platelets ready to go.  But shortly after we arrived, Jason began feeling some intense pain.  The doctor was called and ordered IV pain meds, so we knew we were going to be there for a while.  At first, I decided I wouldn't go to my parents house, but after his parents - and even he - insisted I go, I decided I could use a couple hours away.  I waited until the pain meds kicked in...when I could visibly see that Jason was beginning to relax before I kissed him, squeezed his hand, and then left.

I made it to the car before I let the tears flow.  I cried the entire drive to my parents while also catching up on phone calls and updating those who needed to be updated.  At my parents, I was able to relax a little and spend some quality time in the pool.  I stayed there for a few hours, and after eating, I packed it up and headed back to the house.  Jason and the crew had just arrived shortly before I did, and I could tell the mix of fluids, platelets, and pain meds had helped.  Jason was almost like himself again, but after a couple more hours, that quickly faded.

By nighttime, he was having a considerable amount of trouble getting up, standing, and even walking.  We had to walk with him, someone in front and someone in back to make sure he didn't fall.  Jason's humor was still in tact, though.  At one point as we were shuffling along the floor to the kitchen, he looked up into my eyes and smiled and said "Look babe, we're dancing."  We laughed about that together.  We had started talking to hospice about beginning more regular care (at this point, they were only checking in one time a day) because we felt that things were getting way beyond our capabilities.  However, they didn't feel like it had reached that point and told us to hang in there.  Whatever.

We got Jason to the bedroom and decided to put him on my side of the bed which was closest to the bathroom.  He really hadn't gone to the bathroom since Saturday, but we thought in case he had to, this way we wouldn't have to walk him all the way across the room.  So, we switched sides.  I got him settled and then climbed into bed.  He was having a lucid moment and we were able to talk a little.  I asked him again if he was scared, and he said no.  Again, just of the pain.  He apologized for putting me through all of this, a statement that made me nudge him angrily.  He told me how much he loved me, and I echoed while telling him how much he's changed my life.  It was an amazing moment, something I realized later a lot of people in our situation don't get.  G-d was giving us our chance to say everything we needed to say...and we did.  It turns out this would be the last night we'd be in bed together...forever.

Three Days Left