May 23, 2009

It's Saturday, May 23, 2009.  All of us were still reeling from the news from the previous day.  Luckily, Jason didn't need to go to the hospital that day, so we were able to spend the day together.  My parents and I were scheduled to go to the symphony that night, and we had made plans to get everyone together for dinner beforehand...though it would all depend on how Jason was feeling.  He woke up in a fair amount of pain which really didn't go away during the day despite our efforts to mask it.

He was still mobile, still up walking around, talking normally.  Except for the fact that you could see the giant mass of tumor which had now deformed his right shoulder, you would never know that this beautiful man was days away from death.  Even the hospice worker remarked at how "healthy" he looked for someone who needed hospice.

As the day progressed, Jason's pain level progressed as well.  We decided dinner with my folks wouldn't be a good idea, so I instructed my parents to come pick me up after dinner for the symphony.  We were going to see the Dallas Symphony Orchestra performing the 1812 Overture.  It's one of my favorite pieces of music, my dad's too... and Jason all but insisted that I continue with my plans to go.  Even in the face of dying, he wanted to make sure that I wasn't drowning myself in what was going on.  He was always thinking of others instead of himself.

I kissed him intently before leaving the house with my folks.  Once at the symphony, I texted him until the concert began, and then again during intermission.  The 1812 was the final piece that night and it was amazing.  It's such a beautiful piece of music and this was the first time I've seen it performed live in person.  It was a truly memorable experience, and I'm so glad I was able to see it.  That piece became so much more to me through this ordeal, but more on that in future blogs.

I arrived back at the house shortly after 11pm, and was surprised to see everyone still awake...waiting for me to come back.  It seems in the few hours that I had been gone, things had already started to change.  I didn't want to believe it.  I noticed his mom holding his cup for him and asked what was going on.  She informed me that he was no longer able to hold onto things...he apparently had dropped a number of cups throughout the night.  I didn't believe it.  A few minutes later, I went to refill his drink, and handed it to him like normal.  Within a minute, the glass was on the floor and water was everywhere.  I just looked at him...as he continued to stare forward at the TV not realizing what had just happened.  I knew then that this was really happening.

After I changed into my pajama's, I had to help Jason stand up so that we could get to bed.  I walked him into the kitchen where we performed our special dance - I got his pills together, put his fentanyl patches on him, and then helped him into our bed.  He fell asleep quite quickly that night, and thankfully so.  He didn't hear me crying next to him...having finally come to the understanding that our days together were numbered.

Five Days Left