5 Days Left

There are just five days left of my 20s.  There are just 5 days left of the 29th year of my life.  And what a year it has been.

This time last year, I had been through the ringer.  Jason had been through the ringer.  Together, we were exhausted, crushed, beaten, and tired of fighting.  The only thing we had was each other, our love, and the knowledge that someday - unfortunately very soon...days, weeks even - it would all be over.  Most of you have never known what this feels like, and I pray you never will.  This time last year - when I should have been preparing to celebrate my last year in my 20s, I was dealing with a will, an advanced directive, power of attorney questions, estate issues, and above all that - trying to keep Jason as comfortable as possible while his cancer continued to grow inside him.

The day before my birthday, Jason was in an extreme amount of pain.  We had gone to bed the evening of the 6th, and he was unsettled.  He was hurting, and the pain only continued to grow throughout the night.  He took pills, I put Fentanyl patches all over his body, but nothing helped.  By 5am, neither of us had slept a wink, and it had become clear that his pain was not going to subside.  I made a call to the on-call doctor, and then off we went to the hospital.  He was admitted to the oncology ICU, and they immediately started IV pain medications.  A few hours later, he was drugged, I was tired...and off I went to work.

I came back immediately after work, obviously, and stayed until I couldn't stay anymore.  The next day was Friday...my birthday, and we spent it in that Oncology ICU room hoping that he'd be released the next day.  He was feeling much better, and was so concerned that I was spending my birthday in a hospital...nevermind the fact that it didn't matter where I was...I just wanted to be with him.  Earlier that day, he apparently had begged his doctor and nurses to make sure he was released either that night or first thing Saturday morning.  I didn't know he had done that, nor did I know what he had planned on Saturday and why it was so important for him to get out of the hospital in time.  He did, and I'm so glad because that Saturday has become one of the best memories I have of him.

In the face of dying - literally being stalked by death, Jason put aside his pain... he put aside whatever fear he had, and he focused on me.  He treated me to one of the most amazing birthdays.  He had arranged for a gigantic suite at the brand new Omni Hotel in Fort Worth, along with a day at the spa which included champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and a couples massage that we both so desperately needed.  For just a few hours, we were both able to forget that cancer was ruining our lives.  For just a few hours, we were allowed to be just us, just together, just alone with each other...without cancer.  It was the best birthday, and it will forever be the most special time I spent with Jason.

So, this week as my 30th birthday approaches, I will be thinking a lot about those days last year, but I will try my best not to dwell on them.  I know I need to focus on looking forward to celebrating a new decade in my life, and take comfort in knowing that Jason will be there...celebrating right alongside me.  I know I'll feel him, I know he'll be there...but it's just not the same.  It's just not fair!  It's not fair that the love of my life was able to surprise me with an amazing 29th birthday, and then not be here to do the same for my 30th.  It's not fair that on Saturday morning, the very morning I turn 30, I won't be waking up to see his face lying next to me, but instead I'll be thinking about what could have been, what should have been.

Here's to 30.

Until next time...
Stuart