Letters To God

Tonight - as if I didn't need another reason to cry - I went to see the movie "Letters To God" with my friend Casey.  I knew the premise of the movie before going in tonight... hell, even the preview made me cry.  Casey and several others even wondered if it was a good idea for me to be watching this movie this week.  What can I say?  I'm an emotional cutter, and I knew it would give me a release I needed.  And boy did it.

Overall, it was a good movie.  The acting left a lot to be desired, but above all of that, the story - the script was amazing.  It was extremely touching, and very real.  Despite the fact that I'm a non-practicing Jew, even I was able to take-away some of the God-bearing message this movie carried.  It was heavy on the Jesus side at times, but apart from that, it's religious message has the ability to metaphorically reach across the pews to other faiths.

If you haven't heard about the film, in a nutshell - it's about a little boy who is battling an aggressive form of brain cancer.  There are several sub-plots involving his mother, brother, and mail carrier who all get wrapped up in Tyler's (the boy with cancer) letters to God.  Those letters transform everyone who reads them and spreads through the entire community.  It really is very touching.  More than touching, though.  It's inspiring.  It's inspired me to want to write my own letter to God, and even if you haven't seen it - whether you have a relationship with God or not - I hope it might inspire you to write one of your own.

Dear God:
I've tried to understand why you've done what you've done in my life the last two years.  You've certainly thrown a lot of things in my direction... most of which I think I've handled fairly well.  I understand that everything happens for a reason, and it's that reason I'm trying to figure out.

For instance, what reason would you have for bringing a wonderful man into my life - give him an incurable disease, and then take him out of my life just as quickly as he entered?  For months I've pondered this.  I've spent countless hours thinking about it.  Obviously there was something you wanted me to gain, to learn from this entire situation.  Maybe it was to be more humble.  Maybe it was to be more appreciative of life itself.  Maybe it was to ignite my passion for charity.  Maybe it was to teach me what true love feels like, and what true pain and loss feels like.

If those are the lesson you expected me to learn, then I can honestly say "Mission Accomplished, Sir!"  I am without a doubt more humble in my life since Jason died, and because of that, I am much more appreciative of the life I have been given by you.  My time in the cancer trenches with Jason has most definitely ignited a passion for charity that will continue the rest of my life, so check on that one.  And because of the amazing man you put in my path, I've definitely learned what true love feels like.  And because you took the amazing man with whom I fell in love away from me, I've felt true pain and loss.  But, something tells me there's still more I need to learn from this entire thing.  What that is, I don't know.

It is my hope, God, that you'll soon make that clear.  It is my hope that I will be able to learn everything I need from this situation and move on because frankly, I can't hold on to this much longer.  God, you gave me so much in my 29 years of life on this Earth, and in just two short years, you've also taken away so much.  I've never been angry with you, though.  I may have questioned why, but I have never once been angry or turned my back on you.  Instead, all I've asked of you, time and time again, is that you open my eyes and allow me to see what I'm supposed to see, learn what I'm supposed to learn, and accept what I need to accept and move forward on whatever new path you set before me.

God, I know you and I don't talk as often as we should...and that's most definitely my fault.  I suppose I should be better about that.  But, as I suspect, you already know what's in my heart, in my soul.  I only wish now that you will guide me as I continue on my path to healing, and that you will continue to guide me in my life as I move into the next phase of my life.

Before I go, I'd like to take a moment to thank you.  Thank you, God, for putting your faith and trust in me to handle what you've put in front of me.  Thank you for bringing that wonderful man into my life - however short our time was.  As cliche as it is, it's entirely true.  I would rather have two years of love and happiness with Jason than a lifetime without.  So, thank you again for that.  Thank you, also, for the amazing support system you've given me - my incredible friends who have stood by my side through thick and thin.  Thank you for my family who actually loves me for who I really am.  Thank you for blessing me with an exceptional career that's given me so many unbelievable opportunities of which some people only dream.  And finally, but above all else, thank you for blessing me with 30 amazing years of life (and hopefully many more to follow).  I only hope I'm doing enough with it to make you proud.

Goodnight God.

Until next time--
Stuart