Crying Helps

When I got into bed last night, I began to cry. I cried harder and harder until I was in full bawl mode. I cried for about 30 minutes straight...only taking breaks to blow my nose. The words I wrote in my last blog struck a nerve, I think. The last part...about being happy.

I think I got scared last night that I might never be happy again. Not like happy as in "Oh I'm having a good day". Happy as in a "Oh I have everything I've been looking for" kind of way. I tried to tell Jason how happy he made me, but I don't know that he ever fully understood. He does now. He knows my entire heart now.

Why am I so fixated on finding love again...finding happiness again? Why am I letting it consume me at night...every night? I'm not over Jason...not nearly at all. I never will be over Jason. I'm not even sure I've begun to process what happened. So why the pressure on myself to move on romantically? I think it's because of a conversation he and I had in the car one day on our way back from the hospital. He was very concerned with the fact that I wouldn't move on after he'd died. He told me that he wanted me to move on...to meet someone else...to be happy again. I laughed at him and told him he was crazy. I said that of course I'd move on, but that it wouldn't be for quite a while. I mean, my last relationship was several years ago - and that guy just cheated on me. Imagine how long it'll take me to get over my partner dying! But yet - as I recall that conversation...I'm wondering now if subconsciously I'm putting pressure on myself to fulfill his wishes.

I chatted with someone tonight online. It was the first time I've chatted with someone there at length in a long time. He made me laugh...made me smile. He also made me forget for a little bit that I was sad. I thanked him for doing that. He even asked some questions about Jason. He seemed genuinely interested in knowing me, knowing what I've just been through. He was sympathetic and caring...even though we'd only just "met". He made me realize that maybe I'd put too little stock in the gay community in my previous posts. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there are more "good guys" out there who will look at what I've just been through as a badge of honor, rather than a scarlet letter. It's too bad this guy lives in Michigan. LOL

I'm heading to bed in a few minutes...desperately hoping that I don't have a repeat performance of last night's waterworks. All in due time, I guess. I still haven't figured out why this weekend was so hard. It doesn't make sense. Maybe it will be clearer tomorrow.

Until then...

Stuart