Today we broke through most of the boxes that had been sitting untouched in Jason's home office. Contained inside were most of his personal belongings...pictures, cards, and trinquets. I was doing ok until I was looking through the stack of Playbills that he had collected. I came across the Playbill for The Lion King. It was our first big date...just two weeks after we'd actually met in person. His ticket was still inside the program. I held the program against my face, hoping to smell him on it. I held it against my chest hoping to feel him there. When I didn't, I got upset and had to leave the room where the others were still working.
I composed myself and went back in to continue. The next thing was a giant envelope full of greeting cards. They were all the cards people had sent him throughout his illness. I went through separating all of the cards that I had given him. Early on in his illness, I had gotten in the habit of hiding "Thinking of You" or "Get Well" or "I love you" cards around his house. It was something that I felt I could do...something, he later told me, that brought a smile to his face. Sometimes I'd hide the card and he wouldn't find it for weeks...but when he did...it was after a set-back...a rough chemo treatment or something like that. It was almost like I was being directed when and where to place them so that he would find them when he most needed them. He had kept every single one of them...which set me off crying again. I read them...and for most of them...remembered writing the notes inside...and remember where I hid them.
It was extremely difficult dividing up his things...his most personal possessions among the 5 of us (his parents, myself, Jerrod, Rob, and the trash). It's hard to realize that this is the final stage...that after all of this is done, I really do have to let go. I guess I'm not as ready to do that as I thought.
All in due time, I guess.
Until next time...
Stuart
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