Packing Up & Moving On

It's been an interesting day to say the least. After doing some work this morning, I, along with Jason's parents and two friends, began to pack up Jason's life. We're removing most of his personal belongings from the house so that we can put it on the market. Hopefully we'll be able to sell it quickly so his estate doesn't incur more costs.

We started in the guest room...cleaning out the closets where he had hung his coats and other things that didn't fit in the master bedroom closet. From there we moved into the master bedroom tackling the armoire and all of his sweaters. It was a very weird feeling going through his clothes piece by piece...all of us deciding whether we wanted to keep it or toss it. Each of us took several pieces that meant something to us...or that we could weave into our own wardrobe. Still, though...it just felt weird.

Everyone kept asking me if I was ok...if I was handling this ok...and how I really felt. It left me wondering if I should be feeling more strongly about what's going on than I am. I'm sad...sure...but honestly...I'm looking forward to finishing this part up, selling the house, and saying goodbye to the final piece of this horrible puzzle. This house, while I love it dearly...needs to go. I've talked to some widows who have said they could never let go of the home where their partners have died. I don't feel that way.

This house is the one we were to share together. This house is something he chose. This is where we grew closer together...where we shared a bed. This is where we painted the living room...hung hanging plants in the backyard...and had countless conversations. But, it's also the house where he was most sick. It's the house that we came to after hearing that he had two months to live. It's the house where I watched him break down crying because he couldn't put up his own Christmas tree. And...it's the house where he died. He died 10 feet away from where I sit now typing this blog. I look at that spot and all I see is that awful hospital bed with him lying in it. I can still see his parents and I standing there holding his hand as he took his last breath. I see it every time I walk in here. I don't want to see it anymore.

More and more, I'm starting to realize that I'm beginning to feel ready to move on. I'm beginning to think that I need to close this chapter of my life and begin anew. Am I wrong for wanting to do this not even two months before the love of my life left me? I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of crying about it. I'm tired of feeling like I can't let go. Jason would be screaming at me right now to get over it! Maybe I need to listen to him.

Until next time...

Stuart