Tonight has been a night of reflection, remembering, and reminiscing. I had dinner with the lead oncology nurse from Jason's team. She's an amazing woman who Jason and I became close friends with over the last year. She was there with us through it all and even in the end. She visited Jason at the house hours before he died. She came to the memorial service in Dallas and spoke about what an amazing patient he was...and how things on the BMT floor would never been the same without him walking through the door.
We talked a lot about the final weeks of Jason's life...how everything played out. We compared notes, talked about signs, feelings, thoughts, and wishes. She opened up to me about her feelings since Jason's death...and how his passing has hit her harder than any other patient she's ever had. Jason touched her life - and having heard everything said about him at the memorial, his impact grew. I found it funny, though, that she didn't realize how much of an impact SHE had on his life...and mine. She was our guide through this journey, and I couldn't imagine having to go through this time without her. She is truly an amazing woman.
After I left dinner, I was feeling quite unsettled. I decided to pay a visit to Founders Plaza at DFW airport. This is the spot I spoke of several blogs ago. It's the place I will go to be closer to Jason...and when I need to "see" him. It was a gorgeous night...not too hot. I sat outside on top of a table there and just cried. I cried because I miss him. I cried because I love him. I cried because I wish he would've known in life what kind of impact he had on people...rather than finding out in death. I spoke to him there and felt the warm breeze against my tears...as if it was his way of answering back. I sat there for almost two hours before it began getting crowded. So I headed for home.
I made the mistake of turning on the TV...and I began watching the Barbara Walters special on Farrah Fawcett. Ryan O'Neal...Farrah's partner of nearly 30 years...said he loved going to her house to care for her. He loved spending time with her in bed...caring for the woman he loved. She is his soulmate, and he wouldn't imagine being anywhere else but by her side. Hearing him say that made me cry again. FINALLY someone else feels the same way I do. FINALLY someone else is expressing the same feelings I had and still have. Barbara asked him if cancer had changed his life too...and he said yes, absolutely. Cancer took away his soulmate...how can he not be changed from that. He's right. Cancer took away my soulmate, and changed me forever.
On this four week anniversary...I feel like I haven't made much progress in my grief. I think I've lulled myself into thinking that I had begun to move on...that I had started to put my life back together. And then tonight...the death of a star snaps me back into reality and I realize that I'm no more closer to moving on than I was the moment Jason's died. As I write this, I still have tears streaming down my face, soaking the pillow beneath my chin. I begin to cry again every time I type the words "Jason died" or any variation thereof. I've said it and typed it countless times in these four weeks...but tonight, it seems to take on new meaning.
I'm saddened by Farrah's death, but I'm even more saddened by the fact that the brave death of this amazing woman who fought so hard to live is being overshadowed by the sudden death of Michael Jackson. So what if people expected Farrah to pass today. Her death - after fighting cancer so incredibly hard - should be hailed tonight. Except for Barbara's special, it appears her death will merely be a footnote in today's news...and that makes me cry even more.
Until next time...
Stuart
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