A month ago, I could sleep anywhere. Just give me two or three pillows, a comfortable surface, and a blanket. Today, I can't even sleep in my own bed. I was awake until 3am this morning...or at least that's the last time I looked at the clock.
Two weeks before Jason died, I slept in his bed every night. After he died, I slept in his bed for several more days. It was comforting to lie in the same place he had laid. It was comforting to still smell his scent on the pillows - despite the fact they've been washed several times. It was comforting to be in his room, surrounded by his furniture. Five days after he died, I ventured back to my apartment - the very one I was supposed to move out of this week - and slept in my own bed...the same bed I'd slept in for at least five years. It wasn't the same, though. I couldn't sleep in it. I laid awake for hours, my mind running wild...replaying the events of the previous few days. My heart raced, I began to sweat...I couldn't catch my breath. That was a full-on panic attack...my first night back in my apartment. Welcome home.
Since then, I've traded beds back and forth. I've slept in Jason's bed some nights, and I've slept in my own other nights. If I'm at Jason's, I sleep soundly...quickly. If I'm at home, I don't sleep. Why is that? Nothing in my apartment has changed. My bed is very comfortable. It's always been welcoming to me before. So why can't I sleep in it now? Is it because I can rest easier knowing I'm surrounded by Jason's things...like there's still some part of him there? Why am I not at ease surrounded by my own things?
These are all things - questions and conundrums - that there are no manuals for. There's no one who can give me a definitive answer on these questions. I guess in the immortal words of Jason...it is what it is. But what does that mean for me and my future as I try to move forward? Will it ever get easier to sleep in my own bed? I'm sure it will. I'm sure it's just part of the process. Until that time when it gets easier, though... if you see me, please excuse the giant black circles and bags under my eyes. I don't like them any more than you do.
