I'm coming home to a Dallas that will never be the same. Jason's physical presence will never be there again. I know there will be plenty of times when I will feel his spiritual presence around me. Its just not the same...never will be again.
I've just done something most people don't have to do until much later in their lives. At 29 years old, I've just laid to rest the love of my life. I stood at his grave this morning and kissed him goodbye as I turned to leave him there for eternity. Can you even begin to imagine what that feels like? I hope that none of you ever experience it. Its the worst pain I've ever felt. Not physical pain, mind you...though there are times my chest aches when I think of the man I've lost. They say depression hurts. While I know I'm not depressed, I can tell you a loss like this does physically hurt.
So, what happens now? What happens next? Is this supposed to be the time when I lock Jason away in my heart, memories, and past? Am I supposed to begin to move on? Am I supposed to start dating again? Lord I can't even imagine what that first date is going to be like.
Man: So, tell me about your last relationship.
Me: Well, he was the love of my life and he died.
Man: Check please!
Yeah...that's gonna be a great date night conversation. Looking forward to that. Maybe I should just wear a scarlet letter. "W" for widower. Man, that'll have the superficial gays of Dallas lining up to date me!
But, maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. How's about I get through mourning my loss a bit before I start thinking of how to tell my date about Jason. The very thought of going on a date in the next 6 years makes me sick- like I'm cheating. I didn't break up with anyone. I didn't go through a divorce. He died! At what point will I feel like I'm not his partner anymore? Will I always feel that tie, that bond?
So many questions...many will try to answer. But guess what. The answers will all be wrong. There is no right answer in this situation. Like that song says: Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be.
Until tomorrow...
Stuart
P.S. - Arrived home safe and sound...and extremely EXHAUSTED!
Simply put, you will always feel like you're his partner (even when you're partnered with someone else -- and yes, someday you most-likely will be partnered with someone else because you seem like you have too much love, too much caring inside to keep it all to yourself).
ReplyDeleteWhen someone new starts dating you, they will be dating Jason, too. He (Jason) is part of you, and that cannot be undone.
It's like I wrote about my friend, Robert, wondering what the world would be like with him still in it and realizing that it would be great, because everyone that knew and loved him, carries a little of him with them today.
The same is true of Jason....